Our Reader Review panels knew virtually nothing about each other when they were assigned the challenge of exchanging gifts for $10 or less.
But just like at a real office holiday party, when they met (in the back room at Hidden Shamrock), shots were slammed, people hooked up (we won’t say who) and off-color comments flowed as freely as the alcohol. Here’s who got what.
$10 gift certificate to Charlie Trotter’s
From Ray to Michael S.
Ray: “As I was getting ready for the morning hunt, I realized that Michael, being a vegetarian, faces quite a plight when making dining choices. With this in mind, I figured I’d treat him to dinner at one of Chicago’s premier dining establishments.”
Michael: “Funny? Yes. Useful? No. I feel slighted, and the only way for this Low-Dough Diner to feel better would be for Ray to take me out for a real dinner.”
Pied Piper statue
From Fadia to Mitch
Fadia: “I stumbled upon a gnome-like statue of a young lad playing a gold flute with a dog at his feet at Saba Cash and Carry, a thrift shop near the Brown Line Kedzie stop. Perhaps one day Mitch can add it to his very own beer garden.”
Mitch: “This is perfect, considering I live alone and play with my flute on a regular basis.”
Electric nose hair clippers
From Michael S. to Jered
Michael: “Let’s face it. The average guy could use some grooming tips–and as far as being average goes, five beer connoisseurs that know the best places to drink just seemed really average.” At Walgreens.
Jered: “When Michael gave me this, it reminded me of that one show on Bravo where those five guys help a really confused guy with tough hygienic situations. I especially like that one episode where Grace falls in love with Will, and Jack snaps his fingers and says, ‘You go girl!’ “
One-piece baby pajamas
From Andy to Ivan
Andy: “I was strolling through Target when this caught my eye. I started laughing because it looked so ridiculous, and I thought, ‘Hey, this guy’s almost 40 … what the hell? He can always re-gift it.'”
Ivan: “I will stay awake many nights trying to figure out what Andy was thinking. Perhaps he’s got ESP. My niece is almost 3 months old, so it’s perfect for re-gifting.”
Jesus bobblehead doll, squeaky caveman club
From Jered to Fadia
Jered: “After extensive research and the assistance of three MIT graduate students and a chimpanzee named Gus, I discovered that Fadia is the female version of Fadi, which is Arabic for Jesus. Therefore, the Jesus bobblehead doll seemed more than appropriate.” At Strange Cargo, 3448 N. Clark St.
Fadia: “The bobblehead has already been stolen from my desk. And as for the caveman stick, he recalled my love for ‘Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer’ [on “Saturday Night Live”] and thought I would appreciate the stick. How right he was!”
Bottle-opener hammer
From Ivan to Ray
Ivan: “I figured it was the best way to get a Beer Garden Guy hammered.” At Restoration Hardware, 938 W. North Ave.
Ray: “Pretty funny because little did he know that my nickname in high school was ‘The Hammer,’ and I’m a recovering alcoholic.”
How-to-Make-a- Paper-Airplane kit
From Michael E. to Dan
Michael: “After Dan makes his booty calls, I thought it would be pretty suave to leave a paper airplane on her pillow the next morning. It worked for Maverick in ‘Top Gun,’ and I think it will work for The Shermanator too.” At Borders, 2817 N. Clark St.
Dan: “Since Michael didn’t show due to a prior engagement at the ‘Star Trek’ convention in Omaha, Erin presented my gift. Neither knew the only difference between Tom Cruise and me is height.”
Pint of whiskey
From Dan to Erin
Dan: “Erin’s bio revealed that she’s ‘fast, cheap and easy’ and that whiskey brings out the tiger in her. I thought I’d help her by offering one of life’s best social catalysts: whiskey. In an emergency, Erin can break out the plastic bottle (see photo at right) and gulp down some liquid courage.”
Erin: “I’m re-gifting it at my bingo club’s gift exchange. Dan, if you get a collect call from ‘Banjo Eyes,’ accept the charges. I’m guessing the fact that you wrapped it in a McDonald’s bag means you’ll give her a ‘supersized’ experience.”
Profile on LavaLife and $10’s worth of LavaLife credits
From Mitch to Michael E.
Mitch: “Since Michael was publicly targeted as a ‘cheap dining expert,’ I figured he could use some help restoring his image with the ladies. So, I posted his mug on LavaLife (where I met my ex-wives). So far I heard he’s received two hits: a lonely transvestite looking for a bench-press spotter and a confused, elderly woman searching for hot airfares to Flint, Mich.”
Michael E.: “My girlfriend and I have been looking to expand our circle of ‘friends,’ and this is the perfect way to do that!”
Booty-call bag
From Erin to Andy
Erin: “This gift included breath mints, a conversation piece (a button that says “I’ve noticed you not noticing me”), a scented candle, a tiny bottle of champagne and maple syrup (apply liberally). I’m all about charity during the holiday season, and if I can help one guy get some action, then it was all worth it.”
Andy: “The mini-bottle of maple syrup will come in handy the next time that I’m pancaked between two Playmates in the grotto at Hef’s house.”
