OK, listen up. The new year’s here, and you’d better snap out of your holiday revelry and start paying attention again. There are a lot of burning questions just waiting to be answered in the next 12 months: Will Jacko go to jail? What about Martha, Scott and Kobe? Who will run against Bush? Will we ever find Osama? How will “Friends” end? Who’s the next Bears coach? Will the Cubs finally make it to the World Series? If you know the answers to any of these questions, we’ll meet you in Vegas. Bring cash.
January
If you’re a fan of “Celebrity Justice” and Court TV, you’re going to have a hard time tearing yourself away from the television in the first month of ’04. Michael Jackson’s arraignment is Jan. 9, Martha Stewart’s trial starts Jan. 20, Phil Spector’s next court appearance and Kobe Bryant’s motions and hearings are set for Jan. 23, and Scott Peterson’s trial opens Jan. 26.
15 Hang with the beautiful people at the Sundance Film Festival in Park City, Utah
20 President’s State of the Union Address
25 Golden Globe Awards
27 Nominations are breathlessly announced for this year’s Academy Awards
February
It’s an Election Year, so spend your President’s Day (Feb. 16) wisely. Hug a President, download coloring books from www.whitehouse.gov, and raise a drink to Martin Van Buren, the creator of the phrase “OK.” No, really, look it up.
1 Super Bowl in Houston’s Reliant Stadium
6 R. Kelly’s next scheduled Illinois court date
8 Grammys in Los Angeles. NHL All-Star Game in St. Paul.
13 NBA All-Star Game in Los Angeles
14 Valentine’s Day is a Saturday
26 Democratic presidential primary debate in Los Angeles at the Los Angeles Times and broadcast on CNN
29 76th Academy Awards
March
It’s Super Tuesday on March 2. Democratic caucus: Minnesota. Democratic primaries: California, Connecticut, Georgia, Hawaii, Maryland, Massachusetts, Missouri, New York, Ohio, Rhode Island, Texas, Vermont. By the end of today, you’ll pretty much know which of the nine Democratic candidates will be taking on President Bush next fall. No skipping ahead. Read the rest of March.
3 Mandatory spring training reporting date for major-league baseball players
14 NCAA Selection Sunday. Fill out your bracket sheets
18 First day of NCAA Tournament games. Rip up your bracket sheets
April
A crucial sports month for all Chicago fans. The Blackhawks and Bulls ease into oblivion. Like a pair of pinatas, the Sox and Cubs start new seasons filled with hope and candy moments before they are smashed to pieces. The Bears’ new coach gets to draft a new set of players to join the old set of new players.
5 Masters Tournament begins
12 Cubs home opener vs. Pittsburgh
13 White Sox home opener vs. Kansas City
24-25 NFL Draft
May
If you’re planning on running the Chicago Marathon in October, now would be a really good time to prepare for the recommended 18-week training course. And if you’re not planning on running the marathon, get ready for the Taste of Chicago.
9 Mother’s Day
12 Cannes International Film Festival begins
31 Memorial Day
June
Empty your stomachs, sharpen the elbows and promise yourself you’ll “sample” and not just “devour” many dishes at the Taste of Chicago. It opens in Grant Park on June 25 and continues through July 4. And, no, those pants don’t make you look fat.
4-6 20th Annual Chicago Gospel Music Festival
10 21st Annual Chicago Blues Festival
20 Father’s Day
24 NBA Draft in New York City
25 Taste of Chicago opens
26 14th Annual Chicago Country Music Festival
July
Beginning July 13 and every Tuesday night into August sit back and enjoy the features from the 5th Annual Chicago Outdoor Film Festival. It’s movies outdoors, and if it rains that night, let’s hope it’s a Gene Kelly picture.
4 Independence Day
5 Independence Day observed
13 MLB All-Star Game in Houston
26 2004 Democratic Convention begins in Boston
31 Venetian Night
August
The Opening Ceremony for the 2004 Summer Olympics in Athens, Greece, is Aug. 13. This does not mean you are allowed to wear a toga for the next three weeks, but it does mean you have to brush up on the trivia and name the 10 sports in the decathlon.
14 Mayor Daley’s Hall of Fame 16-inch Softball City Championship
21-22 46th Annual Chicago Air and Water Show
30 Republican National Convention begins in New York City
September
The Emmys are too cool to pick a date yet, but the scoop here is they’ll happen this month. So those of you hammering away at a pilot TV show, keep this date open. And for goodness sake, check with Sarah Jessica Parker beforehand so you don’t wear the same dress.
2 26th Annual Chicago Jazz Festival
6 Labor Day
October
What costume will be the most popular look in Chicago for this year’s Halloween? Perhaps the always-scary “indicted Governor” or maybe the haunting “headless Chicago Bears coach.” Whatever. It falls on a Sunday, so go easy on the punch there, Sparky.
10 Chicago Marathon
11 Columbus Day
November
If you’re 18 or older, Election Day is Nov. 2. And if you’re not 18 or older, Election Day is still Nov. 2. Who will the citizens of this nation vote into office? The choice is yours, but please punch your chads all the way through this time. That’s crucial.
11 Veterans Day
25 Thanksgiving Day
December
It seems so far away, this little December 2004. Right now, he’s but a twinkle in our eye. But as sure as we’re living on a place called Planet Earth, 12 months from now, Chicago will be buried under the worst 31-day storm this world has ever seen. Hunker down and stock up on soup.
24 Christmas Eve is a Friday. Lovely. But Christmas is a Saturday. Bummer.
31 New Year’s Eve is a Friday. Rock and roll, friends.
– – –
Ring out the old, bring on the new
It’s time to clean out our collective closets and make room for a shiny new year.
Jimmy Choo and Rocawear? Over. NBA throwback jerseys and Holly Dunlap? Crisp.
OUT
Remixes
Snowboarding
Rocawear
Viagra
MTV2
British intelligence
Gourmet cotton candy
Jessica Lynch
Spike Jonze
The Strokes
Mutual funds
Clay Aiken
“Jesus Is My Homeboy” T-shirts
Celebrity crime
Grady Little
David Beckham
Powerpoint
Paparazzi
Avoiding albacore
Homeland security
Jimmy Fallon
Siegfried & Roy
John Mayer
Lettuce-wrapped hamburgers
Jimmy Choo
The White Stripes
Josh Hartnett
Jennifer Garner
“Shake it like a Polaroid picture”
“Suh-weet!”
Listening to Coldplay
Botox injections
Donatella Versace
Flash mobs
Jack Nicholson
Enormous scarves
Bands who look like Blondie
Letting your boyfriend videotape it
“Rich Girls”
Hiltons
IN
Guitar solos
Kiteboarding
Throwback jerseys
Levitra
Fuse
British television
Homemade marshmallows
Shoshana Johnson
Sofia Coppola
The Shins
Google’s IPO
Barry Manilow
Tank tops with Yiddish sayings
“Celebrity Poker”
Steve Bartman
Freddy Adu
Handouts
Helicopterazzi
“Finding Nemo”
Social security
Jack Black
Suddenly Siegfried
Jack Johnson
Cheeseburger-flavored fries made of meat
Holly Dunlap
Whitening strips
Gael Garcia Bernal
Mischa Barton
“My milkshake brings the boys to the yard.”
“Crisp!”
Marrying Coldplay
Toe reductions
Viktor & Rolf
Howard Dean mobs
Bill Murray
Ugg boots (Warning: Expires Feb. 7)
Bands who look like the Allman Brothers
Letting a major network videotape it
“Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica”
Olsens
