We’ve now got the popular “do not call” list. There’s even a federal “do not fax” list. And before anti-spam legislation was passed, lawmakers discussed a “do not spam” list. But there are more pressing needs out there, and so here are some other registries that the Tempo Subcommittee on Restraining Orders would like to see:
Do Not Film: Registrants would be guaranteed that they’d never show up in a reality TV program.
Do Not Diet: Registrants would be shielded from all commercials, books, e-mail pitches and conversations about low-carb/raw food/sugar busters/liquid diets and the success and failure thereof.
Do Not Hook Up: Subscribers’ televisions would filter out any show whose plots involve a single woman or single man determining and voting on the lovability of other single women or single men. Nor would a hot tub ever appear again on the registrant’s TV screen.
Do Not Invite: Friends of registrants are notified not to invite them, under any circumstances, to gatherings revolving around the sale of candles, baskets, food stuffs, purses and/or cosmetics.
Do Not O.C.: Subscribers are spared the indignity of seeing people younger and more attractive than themselves endure angst as they hook up in sunny California.
Do Not Spin: Registrants’ television, radios and computers would block all shameless political hucksterism.
Do Not Jen: None of Jennifer Lopez’s films, TV specials, tabloid stories, songs or designer fragrances would be inflicted on those who sign up for this list.
Do Not Cry: Registrants would be spared the sight of various Hollywood award winners weeping about their unworthiness on the endless parade of awards shows that clutter up the pre-Oscar months.
Do Not Spy: Subscribers will be spared all social and workplace discussions of plot developments on “24” and “Alias.”
Do Not Quickie-Marry: Registrants would foreswear”let’s do something wild and crazy and let’s go get married” to nubile pop stars.
Do Not Makeover: Registrants would certify they are content with the way they look and the decor of their hovels.
Do Not Flu: Registrants would be spared close encounters of the germ kind.
