Just like every other baseball player, Roger Clemens is coming back after three long months off. Except Clemens retired from the Yankees and is making a comeback with the Astros. Having retired Michael Jordan’s two retirements, here’s a quick look at our top five retirees based on the awkward nature of the departure and the return.
Top 5 retirements delayed
1. Ryne Sandberg: Ryno’s comeback only delayed the start of his slow walk to Cooperstown. He’s got 61 percent of our vote for the guy who was better off staying away.
2. Mario Lemieux: Talk about an owner who has to be involved in every detail of the team. He inspects the ice on each shift. But what the heart wants, the back should do a better job denying.
3. Magic Johnson: Retired after announcing he got HIV in 1991 but came back to the Lakers in ’95 to play 32 games. He also wore No. 32. Gets points for symmetry.
4. Boxers: Sugar Ray Leonard, Muhammad Ali, George Foreman. All were a little too punch drunk to realize they’re never too young to stop taking shots to the head.
5. Gordie Howe: We would never say anything nasty about Mr. Howe, who could kick the crap out of anyone right now. But the one-game stunt with the Detroit Vipers as a 69-year-old was hard to watch.
Top 5 delayed retirements
Oh, and here’s five other sporty fellas we’d like to see shuffle off to shuffleboard as soon as possible.
1. Adam Sandler: Sappy Gilmore needs to take a break from showing off his athletic prowess in front of (mostly) Drew Barrymore and (occasionally) Fairuza Balk. He can play as much as football as we can, and his golf swing is the inspiration for far too many teens on public courses.
2. Kevin Costner: What is it with actors wanting to play golfers? Or baseball players? Or baseball fans who talk to corn. You got your dinger, now hang ’em up. We hear there’s an opening in Vidalia.
3. Any Gooding playing football: While Cuba Jr. won on Oscar for his work, Omar did his best on the small screen in the big NFL headache, “Playmakers.” They were shown the money, now show them the door.
4. Nick Nolte: Limped through “North Dallas Forty” and took his cues from Bobby Knight in “Blue Chips,” which is never a good idea for anyone. The biggest reason he goes? His accent was the worst in history (thank you, Bill Walton) in “Lorenzo’s Oil.” No, it’s not a sports movie, but the awfulness has to be addressed.
5. Warren Beatty: He played a good quarterback (“Heaven Can Wait”) and then a good retired-quarterback-turned-coach (“Love Affair”). Now it’s time to sit in the stands and watch the kids.
Arms race
How the Astros’ and Cubs’ probable rotations look for 2004
ASTROS
W-L ERA
Andy Pettitte 21-8 4.02
Roger Clemens 17-9 3.91
Roy Oswalt 10-5 2.97
Wade Miller 14-13 4.13
J. Robertson 15-9 5.10
Totals: 77-44 4.06
CUBS
W-L ERA
Mark Prior 18-6 2.43
Kerry Wood 14-11 3.20
Matt Clement 14-12 4.11
C. Zambrano 13-11 3.11
Juan Cruz 2-7 6.05
Totals: 61-47 3.39
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