Dear Amy: I need your help. I am a 20-year-old full-time student, and I always manage to find men who are great in the beginning of the relationship and turn into complete possessive jerks after a couple of months.
I have been dating “Jake” for nine months and I’ve tried breaking up with him, but he drove all the way to my work so we could talk it out. He was crying his eyes out and saying things like, “I don’t know what I would do without you.”
He told me once before that he tried killing himself after another girlfriend broke up with him. He is an only child and doesn’t seem to have any friends.
I told him that between work and school, I have a lot of stress. But I felt horrible and told him that though I don’t have room to change, I was willing to give him one last chance. Well, he changed for a little while, but is back to his old ways. He calls me 20 times a day and wants to spend every second together. On Christmas, I told him to be at my house at 3:30 and he arrived two hours early. He is driving me nuts and I want out.
I’m young and have been in relationships for the past four years. I want to be single. I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but I can’t be with him any longer. How should I break up with him in a way that won’t hurt him? I don’t want him to call me or show up at my work, school or home when I break up with him.
— Stuck
Dear Stuck: I ran your letter past John Moore, author of “Confusing Love With Obsession: When You Can’t Sop Controlling Your Partner and the Relationship” (2003, Writer’s Club Press), who thinks your boyfriend is “in an obsessive pattern that might progress into stalking.” Moore sees lots of red flags in this situation, and you should too.
You seem to think this is about breaking up nicely, while I think this is about getting away from a manipulative stalker-in-training. The way to break up is to do it quickly and firmly. Don’t leave the door open for anyone making any “changes” and don’t labor over long explanations — he’s probably seen this coming anyway. Speak plainly and definitively, and don’t get sucked into conversations with him; research has shown that if you continue to have a dialogue with him or agree to see him, you might be encouraging some of this destructive behavior, even if you don’t intend to.
The University of Texas Psychology Department has studied stalking behavior and their Web site, www.stalkinghelp.org, contains current research and tips for people in your position. I’m sure you’d find it helpful.
Experts on stalking suggest that you should tell all of your friends and co-workers about this in case he calls or shows up at your workplace, and I think you should at least do that. Not to alarm you, but it’s best to be careful.
I also hope you conduct some soul-searching at least — and pursue counseling, at best — to look at your own patterns before embarking on a new relationship. There are a lot of great guys out there who are capable of maintaining a relationship and handling a breakup, and it’s time for you to see what’s going wrong so you can have a great relationship next time out.
Dear Amy: Is it rude for a bride to plan her own shower? My wonderful but slightly control-freak friend wants to plan her own, but then wants all of us bridesmaids to chip in and help pay. She is having it at an expensive restaurant with over 50 people, so it will not be cheap!
I am kind of hurt that she does not trust our judgment to throw her a nice shower and she will only be satisfied if she plans it herself.
I don’t want to bring this up to her, but I can’t help being bothered by it.
— Confused Bridesmaid
Dear Bridesmaid: Can’t you and the other bridesmaids perform some kind of intervention? Your friend needs a Brideszilla-ectomy, and she needs it now.
Etiquette dictates that brides do not throw themselves showers. Decency dictates that brides do not throw themselves expensive dinner parties and then spread the cost around to others.
Can’t you and the other bridesmaids play a game of rock/paper/scissors with the loser breaking the news to the bride? One suggestion: Whoever tells her should give her a nice etiquette book as a gift. The nice thing about etiquette is that it represents simple codes of behavior; the nice thing about etiquette books is that they are hefty and make good weapons.
I’m somewhat concerned that you would pay a bill that could reach hundreds of dollars rather than offer this bride your honest point of view.
Perhaps you haven’t yet seen the bridesmaid’s dress you’ll be paying for.
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Ask Amy appears Mondays through Fridays in Tempo, Saturdays in the Weekend section and Sundays in Q. Readers may send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611. Previous Ask Amy columns are available at Amy Dickinson’s Web site, Chicagotribune.com/amy.
