The Chicago Transit Authority has added etiquette reminders to its automated voice-announcement system. How considerate. Here, however, are some CTA announcements that the Tempo Subcommittee on Public Transit Communication would like to hear:
– “The buffet car is now open.”
– “This bus is being rerouted to avoid that monstrosity Soldier Field.”
– “Flatulence is not a form of creative expression.”
– “Please remember that while you are on this bus, you are a valued customer. But once you become a pedestrian, you become a target.”
– “Everybody planning to vote for Kucinich, please raise your hand.”
– “Hey, you, popping the gum. Yeah, you!”
– “Please refrain from hitting on fellow passengers. This is not Amtrak.”
– “Please explain how Russell Crowe did not get nominated for best actor?”
– “If you’re over 5-feet-8, please grab the upper half of the pole. If you’re shorter, please grab the lower half. You wouldn’t think we’d have to explain these things, but there you go.”
– “Embezzlement, racketeering, espionage and radio playing are prohibited.”
– “And now, please enjoy the comedic stylings of Mr. Tom Dreesen!”
– “What say we all ditch work and drive express to the casino?”
