You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him get down on one bony knee, pull a wedding ring out of his feed bag and ask you to marry him. Or can you? Can you get a man with “attachment issues” to commit? Here’s what men had to say. . . .
Stu: “A man will commit very willingly once he’s found the right woman. Before that, he’s just found an interim dating/sexual partner. I thought my son had commitment issues, until he found the right woman at age 32. Then he committed within two months.”
Mike: “A man commits to his lover if and when he’s good and ready to, and there’s nothing she can do to force a commitment. I don’t care what your grandmother may have told you about the power a woman wields over a man. That power comes after you own his heart, not before. Even if you do manage to establish some sort of a grip on your love interest via (1) guilt, (2) yanking on his heartstrings or (3) browbeating, that sort of commitment is unlikely to last in today’s climate of destigmatized pre- and extra-marital sex and easy divorce.
“Speaking of sex, if you want an exclusive relationship with a man, the worst way to get it is to shack up with him. Doing so gives him the benefits of having a wife without the responsibilities and leaves him little incentive to make the relationship legal. Almost as bad is sleeping with him in order to entice a commitment from him. If you want to have sex with your boyfriend, that’s your business, but do it because it’s what you feel like doing and not because you want something from him. Trying to tempt your man to the altar via the bedroom won’t work. If a man requires sex from you in order to have a relationship with you, that’s not a sign that he loves you. On the contrary, it’s a sign that he doesn’t respect you and thinks of you as a sex object.”
Denny: “Why does a woman assume that a guy who doesn’t want to make a commitment to her has attachment issues? The guy probably has attachment issues with her. He doesn’t want a relationship with her. Stop trying to get a guy who doesn’t want to make a commitment to you to make a commitment. If he’s not giving you what you want, leave. He’ll make a commitment when he finds a woman whom he wants to make a commitment with.”
Nate: “You don’t get a man to do anything he doesn’t want to do! Why would a woman go out with a man who can’t commit? The signals are there if she’ll only listen. In the first five minutes of meeting someone, you get most of what you need to know. There’s a flip side to this issue. I’m in my 40s and one of the things I’ve learned is how scared women are of a guy who’s emotionally available and can commit.”
And just so you don’t think all guys are reading from the same playbook, here’s Kyle….
Kyle: “I was as commitment-phobic as the next guy. I thought marriage was a sucker’s bet. Until my girlfriend gave me an ultimatum: Marry her or else. The `or else’ was that she was going to quit her job, give up her apartment and move to Los Angeles without me to start a new life. I thought she was bluffing but I wasn’t willing to find out. So I married her. That was 15 years ago and I’m happy I did. Without her encouragement, I’d still be a bachelor and would have missed so much of life.”
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What was it like the first time you met a potential partner’s family and/or friends? Send your tale, along with your relationship questions, to Cheryl Lavin, Tales From the Front, Chicago Tribune, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611 or e-mail cheryllavin@aol.com. All names are changed. Letters cannot be considered without name, address and day and evening phone numbers. Letters may be used in whole or in part for any purpose and become the property of the column.
