The day before Jeni Dixon’s wedding she was understandably nervous. As she sat surrounded by bridesmaids in her Chicago apartment, she was especially edgy because her sister, Julie Lundeen, was among the flock of attendants.
The two could rarely be together without fighting, their childhood and adolescent shouting matches thundering through their parents’ house like a storm that never blew off the horizon. And, soon enough, there was a dustup between the sisters about trying on the bridesmaid dresses. A sobbing Jeni ran to the bathroom. Her fiance shouted at Julie to get out, that she had caused her sister nothing but trouble. A mortified Julie left.
Tension simmers between many sisters like a pot of water on a low flame. The slightest spike in heat and the pot boils over. For women like Julie and Jeni, the relationship with a sister can be one of the most challenging and stressful of their lives. It’s also the longest. Parents die, spouses come and go, but a sister usually will be around throughout the siblings’ lifespans. That can be a blessing or a curse, depending on how they get along.
Sisters experience more conflict than brothers because they’re more involved in each other’s lives, says Francine Klagsbrun, the author of “Mixed Feelings: Love, Hate, Rivalry and Reconciliation Among Brothers and Sisters” (Bantam Books, 1992.)
“Because you’re close and identify more with each other, you tend to pick on each other more and be more jealous of each other,” she says.
Fights between sisters may erupt in the present but the origins of conflict are often lodged in the past. These could be childhood competition for parents’ love and attention and sometimes a belief that one sister was favored over another.
“If there has been favoritism and one feels really angry, so often they don’t direct the anger at the parents who treated them this way, they direct it at each other,” Klagsbrun says.
But some sisters are able to hurdle over longstanding jealousy and resentment to discover a pal in the very woman who made their lives miserable or, at least, unpleasant. No one is more shocked–or delighted–than they are. One of these pairs is Jeni and Julie. On the day of Jeni’s nuptials, a contrite Julie phoned her sister.
“I said, `Regardless of this [fight], I love you and I hope you have a wonderful day today.'” Julie recalled. Jeni, touched by her sister’s gesture, responded, “We still have your dress. How fast can you get over here?” When Julie raced over, the sisters embraced.
“After you go through something like that, you realize how much you love each other,” said Julie, 32, a nursing student in Chicago. She began occasionally to visit Jeni and her husband to hang out and watch a movie. The relationship between the sisters was not without flares in tension, but it was warmer.
The birth of Jeni’s infant daughter was a turning point.
“I love how [Julie] is with my daughter,” said Jeni, 33, a part-time personal trainer in Chicago. She marvels at how much she now enjoys her sister’s personality. “She makes me laugh,” she said. The two see each other at least once a week and talk three times a day, Julie sharing a grade on a test or the details of a date with a guy, Jeni reporting on 17-month-old Olivia’s latest word or an incoming molar.
A new openness keeps the air clear between them. In the past, Jeni said she was afraid to tell Julie when she was upset with her because she didn’t want to make her angry.
“When I wasn’t honest, I’d be very tense around her. Then it makes you withdraw, you don’t spend time together,” Jeni explains. Now she tells Julie, “Hear me out, this really upsets me and here’s why.”
It’s working. “We say `Wow, this is incredible that we’re so close'” said Julie. “Everyday it brings me joy, going from that to this. I never thought my sister would be my best friend.”
Crafting different identities
It’s not unusual for sisters to describe themselves as opposites. In fact, they often purposely craft different identities for themselves to separate from each other–with that burden usually falling on the younger sister, Klagsbrun said. But sisters may erroneously believe their differences mean they can’t be friends.
Neringa Valkiunas had long thought that about her sister Edvyna. As a kid, the dark-haired Neringa wore camouflage pants and wrestled with boys. She viewed her sister, six years older, as an alien blond goddess in skimpy clothes and makeup.
Even after they grew up, the two felt like strangers. “We didn’t have an emotional connection. We had nothing in common,” said Neringa, 26, who lives in Wheaton. Whenever Neringa saw her sister at their parents’ house, an awkward silence hung between them. Once Edvyna gave her a photo-essay book about sisters. As Neringa read the stories describing other sisters’ closeness, she was envious.
“I wished I had that. I think she wished it too.”
Then Neringa herniated her back in February 2003. Following surgery, she could no longer work or care for her then 5-year-old son. Divorced, she lost her apartment and began to stay in Roselle with Edvyna–who had recently given birth–for weeks at a time. By day, Edvyna cared for Neringa’s son. At night, Neringa lay in bed holding her infant niece so Edvyna could sleep. Neringa’s accident drew them together, but a new tolerance kept them close.
“She’s more positive, where I’m more negative,” Neringa said. “I call her sunshine. I’m midnight. We accept the fact that we’re different.”
They respect each other’s strengths. For example, Edvyna complained to the hospital about an insensitive nurse who upset her sister. Neringa, who is launching a personal wardrobe stylist business, plucks her sister’s eyebrows and chooses her clothes for business events and weeds out-of-date fashions from her closet.
The sisters have occasional skirmishes for something as minor as not putting a dish back in the cupboard. “We get to let off some steam sometimes,” Neringa said. “We know if we do yell at each other, it’s not the end of the world … We’ll look at each other and say `PMS’ and roll our eyes and laugh about it the next day.”
Irreparable damage
But some sisters cannot repair their torn relations. Seven years ago, Linda Kaplan’s sister, with whom she has had a tumultuous relationship, severed ties with her. She has rebuffed Linda’s efforts to mend their tie. Linda misses her sister, but she also feels relieved to be free of an often hurtful relationship.
“I feel like a big weight was lifted off my shoulders,” notes Linda, 46, who lives in Streamwood.
After the breakup, Linda was plagued by migraines, panic attacks and fractured sleep. She misses her niece and nephew and is sad that her kids won’t grow up with their cousins. But she has learned to accept their seemingly permanent rift. And her adult son and daughter have learned to value their own relationship.
“My daughter will say to my son, `Jason, you’re never going to get mad at me because we are always going to get together for the holidays.'”
If both sisters are willing to try to heal a relationship, they need to examine the childhood origins of their conflicts and learn to accept each other, said Barbara Mathias, author of “Between Sisters” (Dell Publishing, 1992). Sisters also need to find their similarities, such as a shared sense of humor.
“That creates empathy between you,” Klagsbrun notes.
For many, it’s worth the effort.
“There is no other relationship like it,” she points out. “It goes to primeval times of your life. That’s a precious bond.”
Marla Paul is the author of “The Friendship Crisis: Finding, Making, and Keeping Friends When You’re Not a Kid Anymore” (Rodale, $21.95).
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