As a child, Carol Chambers witnessed poor examples of how to deal with anger. Her mother was passive-aggressive; she would shut down, grow distant and get headaches when there was conflict. Her father, on the other hand, was a “screamer.”
So when the 46-year-old Plano, Texas, resident became an adult, “I had to learn to cope with anger.”
It has been a long process. For many years, she followed her father’s example. When she would argue with her first husband, “It was off to the races,” she said. “We would both yell at each other.”
Her second husband, to whom she has been married for 13 years, set boundaries. “He really won’t tolerate many outbursts,” she said. “He’ll say, `I’ll be glad to talk to you when you’ve calmed down and can be rational.'”
After her now 18-year-old daughter starting rebelling several years ago because she was angry at her mother, Chambers sought help for her own anger management. She has learned more constructive ways to respond when she gets mad. She will give herself a timeout before she speaks with others, take a walk, scrub her kitchen or even scream into a pillow.
In any relationship, negotiating how to deal with anger can be tricky. But it’s especially hard for a couple who will inevitably become angry with one another and may have other pressures–such as children, in-laws and money issues–that strain their ties.
“Marriage is like a lightning rod that absorbs stresses from every other source,” said Harriet Lerner, a clinical psychologist and author.
Complicating things even more is that men and women are raised to deal with anger differently. “There are a lot of messages in society against expressing anger, especially if you’re a woman,” said Karin Bruckner, a licensed therapist and author.
Part of Bruckner’s research asked women how they thought men would describe them when they became angry. Words that came up repeatedly included “bitch,” “PMS” and “crazy.”
Perhaps most important is for women to recognize that anger is a valid emotion. “Anger is a vehicle for change,” Lerner said. “It’s the woman’s anger that tells her that something is not right and challenges her to change the status quo.”
It’s also key for men and women to realize that anger is a natural part of any relationship.
Bruckner works with her clients to help them recognize that anger doesn’t have to lead to aggression. Although anger is the emotion, aggression is the “acting out” of it.
As Chambers noted, people can’t help that certain things make them angry. “But you do have control over your response to your feelings,” she said.
Often, women want to avoid conflict; they deny their feelings or wonder what they did wrong. They may say, “I’m not angry,” and internalize it, Bruckner noted. But that reaction denies a woman the chance to learn more about herself and the boundaries of what she’s willing to accept.
Alternatively, women may externalize anger and become aggressive, as Chambers did when she was younger. She said her screaming no doubt contributed to her divorce.
Everyday stress can increase feelings of anger, too. A woman may react to stress by becoming critical of her partner, blaming him and wanting to overtalk things, such as reminding him about something for the 37th time in case he missed it the first 36 times, Lerner said. Men often respond by becoming disengaged.
Another example is a woman who starts complaining about her day as soon as her husband walks through the door at night. He may become angry and “feel allergic” to the intensity she’s aiming at him, Lerner noted.
But it’s important to remember that each person can change the pattern, she added. The wife can try to lessen her intensity. The husband can say he wants to hear about his wife’s day, but during time they set aside after dinner.
Unfortunately, Lerner said, “People get very entrenched in their ways of managing anger.” But if one approach of dealing with anger doesn’t work, it’s important to try something else, as Chambers has learned to do.
As women work with their partners on anger issues, they have to realize that just because they say they’re angry doesn`t mean change will come instantly. “It’s not like he’ll say, `Oh, I understand, dear,'” Lerner said.
It also doesn’t mean a woman will get the reaction she`s seeking. “For me, the most important part is to verbalize it,” Chambers said. “I’ve gotten my side out, then I can agree to disagree.”
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E-mail ctc-woman@tribune.com
