Dear Amy: My boyfriend proposed to me on Valentine’s Day, and we plan to be married next February. I am 56, and he is 63. I have never been married before. This is a dream come true for me.
We are both extremely happy and looking forward to spending the rest of our lives together.
I have only three family members. I have asked my sister to be my matron of honor, my niece to be my bridesmaid and my brother-in-law to walk me down the aisle. They all live in Florida and are refusing to come to Illinois for a wedding in February because there might be a snowstorm.
My sister wants us to get married in the summer when they can all be here. My husband-to-be wants us to wait a year after our engagement. That means our wedding would have to be postponed for a year and a half.
My friends tell me my groom and I should choose the date and stick with it.
I want my family to enjoy this special day with me, but I can’t go through a year of arguing with my sister on the date.
–Carolyn
Dear Carolyn: As a recent survivor of my first Chicago February, I can’t imagine why anyone would go out for coffee in February, not to mention fly here on purpose to attend a wedding. But that’s me. I’ll toughen up in time. The same cannot be said of Floridians. People who live in Florida have an abiding (some might say irrational) fear of snow and bitter-cold Chicago winds.
It seems to me that you should take these concerns into account, not to let your family bully you but because you and I both know that there is in fact some likelihood of a snowstorm occurring in February. Because your entire wedding party is coming from the same place, one canceled flight could leave you shivering alone at the altar.
I think it would be great if you and your future husband could arrive at a happy compromise, either by moving the date to a warmer month or by having your wedding in a warmer climate. The rest of your life belongs to the two of you alone. Wouldn’t you love to share this day with others?
Dear Amy: I am having problems dealing with my stepchildren. They are 4 and 7, and I also have a 7-month-old biological child. For some reason, they drive me nuts! My husband and I argue about only one thing: them. They live with us every other weekend.
Part of the problem is that their mom has filled them with negative notions of me, and so I try to make things peaceful and she drives a wedge between us.
I love them but sometimes I just don’t like what they do.
–Stepmom
Dear Step: Children who are 4 and 7 drive you nuts because that is what they do best. Add a baby to the mix and you have a lot to deal with.
Your husband can be helpful by taking the lead and making sure the kids are busy during their visits. He might want to sign them up for swimming lessons or art classes, just to give a little structure to the weekend.
These weekends are bound to be chaotic, but I hope you realize that these young children have so much more to deal with, emotionally, than you do–and, of course, they lack the maturity and skills that you have to put things into perspective. There isn’t much you can do about their mother’s attitude toward you in your absence, so please trust these little guys to grow to love and trust you on their own accord.
It will take time and patience on everyone’s part, but a warm and loving stepfamily is so worth it.
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Ask Amy appears Mondays through Fridays in Tempo, Saturdays in the Weekend section and Sundays in Q. Readers may send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611. Previous Ask Amy columns are available at chicagotribune.com/amy.
