What happens when you take the representatives from the NCAA tournament’s Sweet 16 and they determine the national championship like real fake characters made of industrial foam?
You get the most memorable western bar fight ever, that’s what.
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Sweet 16
St. Louis
UAB’s Blazer vs. Kansas’ Jayhawk
Blazer is a dragon, a large dragon who eats birds for breakfast.
Not really, but the Jayhawk has psyched himself out and jumps out the window on his own.
Georgia Tech’s Buzz vs. Nevada’s Alfie the wolf
Big nasty bee against a wolf. It’s closer than you think. The bee is nimble and has stingers. The wolf is out of his element. Until he finds a large can of Raid behind the bar.
E. Rutherford St. Joseph’s Hawks vs. Wake Forest’s Demon Deacon
The Deacon doesn’t normally hang out in bars, and the Hawk flaps his wings in preparation for a fight. The Deacon has a cane. Worse yet, he knows how to use it.
Pittsburgh’s Panther vs. Okla. State’s Pistol Pete
The Panther was the most formidable creature once indigenous to the Pittsburgh area. That was a long time ago. And this ain’t Pittsburgh. Plus, Pistol Pete hates cats.
Atlanta
Duke’s Blue Devil vs. Illinois’ Fighting Illini
Immediate disqualification. Apparently, Chief Illiniwek is not a mascot; he’s a symbol. Blue Devil spends the match flexing for Texas’ cheerleaders.
Texas’ Hookem vs. Xavier’s Musketeer
Just as the steer has the Musketeer beaten, Xavier’s second mascot, Blue Blob, jumps off the piano and onto the steer. What the hell is Blue Blob? And where the hell did it come from?
Phoenix
Alabama’s Big Al vs. Syracuse’s Otto
The Orangeman appears trapped behind the bar as Big Al (don’t ask) prepares to charge. Otto steps aside, and the elephant goes through the mirror. Silly elephant.
Vanderbilt’s Mr. C vs. UConn’s Jonathan
As Mr. C is at the piano singing Vandy’s fight song: “Dynamite,
Dynamite, when Vandy starts to fight, down the field with blood to yield …” Jonathan lies down, and goes to sleep.
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Elite 8
St. Louis Blazer vs. Alfie
Alfie thinks Blazer is also a large bug. In a sense, Blazer is, but he’s also large enough to eat Alfie in one bite.
E. Rutherford Pistol Pete vs. Demon Deacon
Pistol Pete merely shoves the Deacon’s hat down over his eyes and boots him over the bar.
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Final Four
St. Louis vs. E. Rutherford
Pistol Pete vs. Blazer
Pistol Pete and Blazer chase each other around a poker table until Blazer snorts fire. Pistol Pete gets an idea, exhales, there’s a huge explosion, and Blazer is extra crispy.
Atlanta vs. Phoenix
Musketeer vs. Mr. C
Both very formal men, the two agree to pistols in the street
outside. On the way out the swinging door, the Musketeer clocks Mr. C on the back of the head with a whiskey bottle.
Atlanta
Musketeer vs. Blue Devil
What’s a Blue Devil? In WW I the Chasseurs Alpins, nicknamed “les Diables Bleus,” were well-known French soldiers, and LOOK OUT FOR THE MUSKETEER ON THE CHANDELIER!
Otto vs. Mr. C
Mr. C is from Vanderbilt and simply shames a forlorn Otto out of the bar.
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Championship
Pistol Pete vs. Musketeer
Pistol Pete eyes the Musketeer, the Musketeer eyes him back. Both walk toward the middle of the bar to square off when the ceiling fan catches the feathers in the Musketeer’s hat, flings him around and around and into a wall.
Pistol Pete wins. This is how the West was won.
