Before being escorted to the curb by security, I spent a lot of time at bookstores scanning the preseason baseball magazines this spring.
Yes, I know it’s not a library but I’m a slow reader.
These mags tout the bright young stars and the World Series contenders, which is why it floored me to see a Cubs player on so many covers.
Dear Mark Prior: You seem like a dog guy. Call me. We’ll do lunch.
But I’m not here to push my own personal adoption program, at least not today. No, I’m here to give you a sneak peek at baseball’s not-so-distant future.
And yes, I passed my drug test. Thanks for asking.
April 4: Opening Day for other teams besides the New York Yankees and the Tampa Devil Rays, who are just now adjusting to Tokyo time. Rosters reduced to 25 players. Sorry, San Diego, David Wells counts as two.
June 7-9: It’s the first-year player draft when every team takes a player you’ve never heard of, unless you live in your parents’ basement and play in four or more fantasy baseball leagues.
June 14: Hall of Fame game in Cooperstown features the Braves vs. the Twins. To honor both teams, Pete Rose is down the street signing copies of his book.
June 18: The NCAA College World Series begins in Omaha. Like its men’s basketball team, I like Stanford to blow it in the opening rounds.
June 25-27: Cubs get three games at the White Sox. Each team wins one, and in the third, it’s tied 4-4 in the 13th when baseball commissioner Bud Selig phones in and calls it a tie. As usual, we all smile, nod and ignore him, and the Sox take the rubber game.
July 2-4: It’s 4th of July weekend, and now the Sox go to the Cubs for three games. Tickets to just walk within 1 mile of Wrigley Field fetch upwards of $500.
July 9-13: Ready for All-Star weekend in Houston? Take the American League over the National League. Or not. I don’t care. Like Fredo Corleone, this game means nothing to me.
July 22: The Cubs will give away limited-edition American Girl doll-sized Chicago Cubs home uniforms to the first 5,000 girls age 14 or younger. Under existing federal and state statutes, Sox fans can mock Cubs fans for the next 24 hours.
July 23: The Sox hold a “Rat Pack Night” promotion. Cubs fans, the floor is now yours.
July 25: Dennis Eckersley and Paul Molitor will be inducted into baseball’s Hall of Fame. You can book that. Speaking of sports and books, Pete Rose is down the street signing copies of his book.
Aug. 4: The Little League World Series begins in Williamsport, Pa. The Devil Rays finish fifth.
Aug. 15: At some point, I predict baseball fans will stop talking about steroids in sports. I pick Aug. 15 … in the year 2014.
Sept. 1: Active rosters go up from 25 to 40 players, except in Toronto, where the roster mysteriously dwindles to five skaters and a goalie.
Oct. 5: The divisional series begin. It’s Boston in the AL East, White Sox in the AL Central, Oakland in the AL West with New York as your wild card. It’s Montreal in the NL East, Astros in the NL Central, Giants in the NL West and the Cubs as a wild card.
Oct. 12: League championship series begin. Insert your own picks here, just wind up with Montreal and Oakland in the World Series.
Oct. 23: The World Series begins. Since the rest of the teams each own a piece of the Expos, I like the Expos over the Athletics in the least-watched World Series ever, just to drive the price of the franchise up.
Dec. 10: Owners get together for baseball’s winter meetings in Anaheim. And the hot topic remains the same: “How did that UFO land at Wrigley and spoil the Cubs’ NLCS Game 7 victory?” Down the street, Pete Rose signs copies of his book.
