Perhaps you’ve seen the rolling eyes and heard the hearty Budweiser belch.
That’s how no-nonsense Chicago males have responded to idea of the metrosexual male, a guy who moisturizes, follows fashion and knows–unequivocally–when the table’s centerpiece just won’t do.
Perhaps that highly groomed shopaholic as evidenced by television’s “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” thrives in Manhattan or Malibu. But in the City of Broad Shoulders, the no-frills “retrosexual” has not been tweezed out of existence.
What is a retrosexual? He is the guy who is clean but not coifed, “put together” but not cutting-edge. He spends weekends at sports bars, avoids malls, is in shape but not ready for the cover of Men’s Health.
He watches sports, not E! channel red-carpet coverage of the Oscars.
“Every day I wake up, put on a sweater and khakis and head to work. I don’t need to impress anyone with fancy clothes,” said “Uncle” Jackie Buttitta, 50, of Hoffman Estates.
A commercial real estate broker, Buttitta centers his weekends on sports bars, beer and pool.
“Saturdays I hang out at the Alumni Club in Schaumburg watching a game, shooting pool and catching up with friends,” he said.
Buttitta, as one can imagine, is not into shopping: “I shop once a year. I’ll drop a few G’s and wear the clothes until they have holes.”
His thoughts on metrosexuals? “These guys do whatever they think girls will like: wear Gucci, drive a Beemer and get manicures.”
Now that the term has gone mainstream, average guys in Chicago are being branded “metro” if they indulge in remotely self-indulgent behavior such as pilates, ordering Champagne or getting a haircut at an upscale salon.
“There is major backlash from this metrosexual thing,” said Dan Miller, 28, a University of Chicago business student who touts football, beer and watching E!’s “Wild On” as favorite pastimes.
Miller now gets teased by his friends because he uses a little hair gel to tame unruly tresses.
“I am so straight that it hurts,” he said. “Metrosexuals are really self-involved and spend their lives at the gym and salon. Nobody wants to be called that. Metrosexuals make those of us who get massages for physical therapy or use lotion to stop dry skin in winter a bad name.”
Proud to be retro
Jason Chin, 36, artistic director of Improv Olympic, is proud of his retrosexual status.
“All of my friends dress like bums,” Chin said. “We dress up when we need to, kind of like firemen around a firehouse waiting for the bell to go off.”
And grooming?
“I buy whatever shampoo is on sale at Walgreens.”
Chin can relate to the ribbing Miller gets: “Sometimes I use hair gel and everyone mocks me.”
“We’re a guy’s-guy city,” said publicist Nicole Pagano, 27, of Chicago. In New York City, “guys are obsessed with style. In Chicago, most guys wear a suit to work, Kenneth Cole tailored shirt with black pants to go out at night, and jeans or skanky `chill pants’ on the weekends.”
Native Chicagoan Jesse Garza, 37, an image consultant now working in L.A., concurs.
“In L.A. and New York, guys are so designer- and grooming-savvy that it is tough to tell who is straight and who is gay,” Garza said. “In Chicago, it’s hair gel from Walgreens and a wardrobe that looks like `any man.'”
But hold on. Not all retrosexuals are stuck in a pathetic “Seinfeld” fashion moment. Thanks to the media and sharp gal pals, guys–including retrosexuals–are aware of trends.
They may not wear Prada, but they do shop for fitted shirts, flat-front pants and eyewear that is markedly cooler than the bottle-cap glasses that were popular until the late ’90s.
“Across the board, men are more fashion-conscious,” said Kal Ruttenstein, senior vice president and fashion director of Bloomingdale’s. “Even the average guy no longer plucks any old thing from the back of his closet. He is buying narrow suits and tailored designers like John Varvatos.”
Comedian and Chicagoan Jeff Garlin of HBO’s “Curb Your Enthusiasm” illustrates the dichotomy between a metrosexual and a well-groomed retrosexual.
The portly Garlin, who knocks around in golf shirts (retro), loves carbs (retro) and is by no means chiseled (very retro), also favors gelled hair, exfoliated pores and dewy, moisturized skin (metro, metro, metro).
“I know that you would not think it, but I am very much into my grooming,” Garlin said. “I love facials, moisturizer and massages.”
The L.A. difference
Ah, but Garlin is working in Los Angeles these days. In Chicago, guys who talk a little too enthusiastically about the latest fashion and beauty trends might raise a few female eyebrows.
Laura Gurvey, 36, of Chicago likes her fiance, Brady Isaacson, to be stylish but not to the point where he knows the names and prices of obscure Belgian designers.
“I would die if Brady said, `Hey–I love your Dries von Noten skirt!’ Or `Is that an Etro shirt?’ `You look great’ will suffice!”
In fact, Michelle Tyrell, 37, of Chicago represents legions of females who scoff at the high-maintenance “metro” image, insisting that the height of sexiness is when men do double duty as lover and handyman.
“The perfect guy will sand my hardwood floors, wash my car, build a bookcase for me and is not afraid to get his nails dirty,” she said.
“I like a guy who is not afraid to break a sweat for me outside of the bedroom.”
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Hey, Petunia, here are rules
The Web is full of angry guys loudly proclaiming themselves retrosexuals. On the site Frizzen Sparks (www.frizzensparks.com), an author identified only as Graumagus has posted a Retrosexual Code that includes the following (edited for publication in a family newspaper):
– A retrosexual, no matter what the woman insists, pays for the date.
– A retrosexual eats red meat–and often kills it himself.
– A retrosexual doesn’t worry about living to be 90. It’s not how long you live but how well. If you’re 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, good for you.
– A retrosexual watches no TV show with “Queer” in the title.
– A retrosexual does not let neighbors mess up rooms in his house on TV.
– A retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug or alcohol addiction, death of his entire family in a freak tree-chipper accident, a favorite sports team being moved to a different city, etc. He does not see a shrink just because Daddy didn’t pay him enough attention. Daddy was busy dealing with stuff. Buck up, Petunia.
– A retrosexual has at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.
– A retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can’t hammer a nail or drill a straight hole, practice until you can or be ridiculed for the wuss you are.
— Cox News Service.
