News alert: The Cubs and Sox are not playing each other for a few days.
Why not? They played last weekend. They’ll play this weekend. So why kill the magic?
No, instead the Cubs drew three games with Houston in a key NL Central series, and the Sox have three key AL Central games at Minnesota, and Tuesday is the only night when both Chicago teams start at roughly the same time.
I have just one TV. I do not have picture-in-picture. I am living in 1987.
If I miss anything from either game, I take full responsibility.
Here’s how I wore out my clicker thumb Tuesday. That is, if I did, indeed, have thumbs.
Cubs 7:05
Why is the first pitch at 7:05? Either way, Craig Biggio flied out about 7:06. Sucker.
Sox 7:08
Darrin Jackson is interviewing Ed Farmer. It’s a little early for a nap but I’m game.
Cubs 7:09
Cubs pitcher Glendon Rusch looks upset. There’s no frowning in baseball.
Sox 7:10
First at-bat and WILLIE HARRIS SINGLES! HARRIS SINGLES!
Cubs 7:14
Astros score once and have two on base. What the hell? My chair isn’t even warm yet.
Sox 7:15
Carlos Lee doubles off the Hefty bag in center driving in a run. It’s official: Cubs and Sox live in parallel universes.
Cubs and Sox 7:18
No way. Commercials on both games at the same time. Can you say “conspiracy?”
Cubs 7:24
Sosa whiffs. Moments later, we see the Pepsi ad where Sosa eats the hot food. Comedy is tragedy plus time.
Cubs 7:30
Honorary bat kids are shown. Wave like you mean it, kids.
Sox 7:37
Who is the last batter on earth you want ripping a foul ball at your cranium? My pick: Big Hurt.
Cubs 7:42
Corey Patterson drives in a run and extends his hitting streak to eight games. He’s the hottest Corey since Corey Haim in “The Lost Boys.”
Cubs 7:45
Patterson is … picked … off … second base. Now he’s Corey Feldman in “Meatballs 4.”
Sox 7:50
Sox up 2-0 in the fourth. This game is so over. And Corey Koskie homered. Sox lead 2-1. Just a huge night for the Coreys.
Cubs 8:06
Moises Alou bobbles the ball into the ivy, then plays like it’s a ground-rule double. Instead, it’s the equivalent of an inside-the-park homer. He’s not the only one throwing his hands in the air.
Sox 8:07
TV Web poll question asks where Freddy Garcia fits into the Sox rotation. My answer: Anywhere he wants.
Cubs 8:13
Mistakenly over-clicked to the BET Awards. Janet Jackson’s on. Must watch.
Sox 8:17
Can Paul Konerko bat or what? Don’t answer. I was being rhetorical. What does rhetorical mean? Answer me! Sox up 3-1.
Cubs 8:25
Patterson hits a two-run homer. That’s it; I’m naming my first six kids “Corey.”
Sox 8:34
Juan Uribe goes yard. Hawk says he thought it was just a fly ball. Silly Hawk.
Cubs 8:43
Four kids in the stands, each with a letter painted on their tummies spelling “CUBS” except the B kid won’t lose the shirt. So it’s just “CUS.” And speaking of cussing, Sosa strikes out looking.
Sox 8:47
Top of the eighth. Game’s flying. I might just be able to get out of here in time to camp out for “Spider-Man 2.”
Cubs 8:40
Is it an Astros team rule that every player must have bad facial hair? And when does my pizza get here?
Sox 8:52
Twins single. I blame the sketchy air conditioning fans.
Cubs 8:55
I don’t mean to incite a riot but the Cubs are dead if they lose again AND RAMIREZ HOMERS! It’s 4-4.
Sox 9:03
You know a team is on a roll when it’s leading AND still scoring in the ninth. Save some for Wednesday, fellas.
Cubs 9:05
Beltran pitches to Beltran. Both wear belts. Beltran belts a homer onto Sheffield Avenue, now known as Beltran’s Beltway. Goodnight everybody.
Sox 9:06
Be thankful, Twins fans. SheDaisy didn’t sing “Take Me Out to the Ball Game” in your arena. Sox win, 6-2. at 9:14.
Cubs 9:15
Looks like it’s the Cubs game from here. Unless there’s a “Friends” rerun on. And really now, when isn’t there a “Friends” rerun on?
