Dear Amy: Please help settle an issue that continues to surface ever since my boyfriend moved in with me several years ago.
I believe that he and I should each pay half my monthly mortgage payment since we both share the house.
He argues that since the house is legally mine, he shouldn’t have to contribute equally unless I was to add his name to the title. He also feels the same way about my car, which I pay for but he drives.
What do you think?
— GC
Dear GC: According to Arlene Dubin, lawyer and author of “Prenups for Lovers: A Romantic Guide to Prenuptial Agreements” (2001, Villard Books), you should not put his name on the title, because if you did so you’d be giving him a gift of far greater worth than his contribution. This would have huge ramifications for you. You realize that if his name were on the title and you broke up, he would own half of your home.
At the very least, if he wants his name on the title, he should make you an offer equal to half of the value of the house, which he doesn’t appear willing or able to do. Dubin suggests that he should contribute an amount equal to rent he would be paying if he were living elsewhere.
You should see a lawyer to see if you can arrive at a “cohabitation agreement,” which would lend clarity to these financial issues and is binding in most states.
I would add that if he doesn’t wish to contribute to the expense of car ownership, then it’s time for him to pony up and get his own car or take the proverbial “hike.”
Dear Amy: I have a problem that I could use some advice on. I’m 56 and have two sisters. My husband passed away, and I’m raising a handicapped son who’s had multiple problems since preschool. The problem is that when I e-mail my next younger sister sharing news, looking for support or mentioning how I’ve handled something (usually regarding my son), she comes back with reams of advice, with a tone of “how could you possibly do/think that, here’s what you should have done/should do.”
It invariably makes me angry, and I don’t know how to say, “Please stop lecturing.”
I’m very well educated, worked most of my life and have surmounted many obstacles to keep my family afloat as a widowed parent. What I would like and need is compassion and just a friendly ear. I do have a sense of humor, but it’s not helping with this issue!
I’ve pretty much stopped e-mailing, but isn’t there something I could say to get her to quit this, at least with me?
(Her daughter, by the way, is having serious problems, but my comments on that are not welcome.) Actually, I don’t really like telling people what to do, unless someone asks for my opinion.
— Advice Fatigue
Dear Fatigue: Sometimes people ask me if I go around dispensing advice to everyone I know, and all I can say is, “I hope not.” There is just about nothing worse than giving or receiving unsolicited advice.
Instead of pulling away from your sister, why don’t you e-mail or say to her, “I know sometimes it sounds like I don’t know what I’m doing and need a lot of guidance, but I’m really just venting here and I want you to know how much I appreciate it when you just listen to me.”
You also need to rethink what you are telling her and perhaps spend more time asking her about her life and less time talking about your own — for now.
Since you don’t enjoy dispensing unsolicited advice (good for you), she might learn about the value of compassionate listening from your example.
Dear Amy: I read with sadness from The Newlywed who had a critical mother, and found that she was driving her husband crazy, and realized she had become her mother. That letter could have come from me a year ago.
I was, and still am, a monstrous control freak, although I’m getting better. I drove everyone to distraction, especially my longtime partner. It very nearly destroyed us at one point.
I finally realized that I loved him for who he is, and that my overly critical attitude was destroying his self-esteem. I felt horrible when I realized what I was doing to him. He was living with my constant verbal and emotional abuse.
If she doesn’t learn to pick her battles, love her husband regardless of the way he does or doesn’t do things, her marriage won’t survive.
My three-word answer for her is this: Let it go.
— The Voice of Experience
Dear Experience: Those three little words, “let it go” represent the answer to so many marriage and parenting problems. It’s easier said than done, and you deserve so much credit for figuring it out and for continuing to work so hard at this process.
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Ask Amy appears Mondays through Fridays in Tempo, Saturdays in the Weekend section and Sundays in Q. Readers may send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611. Previous Ask Amy columns are available at Amy Dickinson’s Web site, Chicagotribune.com/amy.
