See him over there? The one with the angry eyebrows?
He is the reason man invented the “I’m with stupid” T-shirt.
And he’s my guy.
Bag Boy (who remains nameless because he’s such a drama king) hasn’t been the same since he started writing for RedEye. In fact, he’s only gotten worse, so I asked RedEye if I could write a guest column in an attempt to make him snap out of it.
Yes Bag Boy, this one’s for you.
I met Bag Boy at a sports bar where my girlfriends were holding stage three of a seventeen-stage bachelorette party. We picked a sports bar because we knew we’d find guys, but we quickly realized guys pick sports bars because they’re hiding from girls.
Whatever. I saw Bag Boy sitting at the bar banging his forehead on the counter while muttering “Why does Brant Brown hate me?” I needed a “boxers or briefs” moment on my bachelorette party scavenger hunt list, so I asked him.
He looked at me with a sparkle in his eye, and it was only later that I realized he was looking over my head at Bulls highlights.
I mean look at him over there. He’s not even looking at me now. And this is a Victoria’s Secret paper bag.
My man needs help.
Anyway, back at the bar, he answered “Blackhawks boxer briefs,” which didn’t help me but I chuckled. He was wearing a Bears jersey with a No. 8 and a red circle and red line through it, so I mentioned my dad had Bears season tickets.
His next words were, “Marry me.”
That was six years ago. We’ve been sharing pretzels ever since.
Look, he’s not all bad. Bag Boy is the most fun to be with on baseball’s All-Star weekend because no Chicago team is playing and he’s only just begun to spend time in his self-built War Room for his NFL fantasy draft. The other
362 days of the year, I battle a mistress named ESPN. That bitch.
Still, people ask me, “Why do I stay with him?”
Why do most women put up with sports-obsessed men? Purely out of pity.
Now Bag Boy, it’s time to come home.
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BAG GIRL HAS BEEN TOLERATING BAG BOY SINCE THE DAVE WANNSTEDT ERA.
Edited by the sports staff of RedEye.
