Bartending isn’t as easy as it looks. Serving drinks, dealing with drunks and on top of that, having to make up your own tipples? While we do commend the hard work, we gotta say that sometimes the cocktails dished up aren’t exactly delish. In fact, they can be downright putrid.
For the sake of drink connoisseurs everywhere, we sampled the most bizarre, bitter and bilious concoctions we could find, and recommend better options. Now please get us some Pepto, pronto!
Beergarita, $6
When Crew billed this as its specialty drink, we cringed. Beer and tequila? Why not just serve a bottle of Tequiza already? But we have to admit we were intrigued–until we tasted it. Did someone just throw up in my margarita and serve it? Is that regurgitated tequila in my beer? Oh no, that’s how it’s supposed to taste. 4804 N. Broadway, 773-784-2739.
Sip on this instead: Lay off the vomit-inducer and try the Stoli Razberi lemonade ($10)–a tasty blend of Stoli Raspberry, Stoli Citrus and lemonade.
Caprese martini, $8
To be honest, we almost didn’t try this one. But we decided to take one for the team and throw back Encore’s ode to salad–complete with Absolut Peppar, tomato water and fresh mozzarella. Yes, cheese. In the drink. Nothing can prepare you for the first taste. The pepper is so overwhelming that you gag immediately. Munching on the tomato and cheese garnish didn’t help matters. Three sips into it, and we never wanted to eat again. 171 W. Randolph St. 312-338-3788.
Sip on this instead: The Midnight in Chicago martini ($8.80)–Ketel One Citron, Cointreau and Chambord–is light, fruity and perfect for getting rid of the pepper taste.
Argyle martini, $7
At first glance, T’s drink (named after Argyle Street) looked and smelled harmless. This odd concoction of cherry vodka, Sprite and orange juice could have passed for Orangina. The first taste wasn’t even so bad–until the aftershocks rolled in. We suddenly felt like the first Heather sucking down OJ and Drano as Christian Slater and Winona Ryder looked on. Yeah, that bad. 5025 N. Clark St. 773-784-6000.
Sip on this instead: Try one of the famed “Double Pints” of Guinness ($7)–they’re more than just a meal and far easier on your stomach.
Citrus Lavender martini, $12
Le Meridien’s ‘tini sounded like a brilliant idea: citrus vodka infused with lavender. What could go wrong? Try the goo running down the side of the glass that made us wish we’d stuck to beer. While it was only honey coated with sugar, it oozed like something from a mutant alien–not exactly appetizing. 521 N. Michigan Ave. 312-645-1500.
Sip on this instead: The Ketel One dirty martini ($11) wasn’t bad–not superdirty but not full of goo either.
Malort, $3
Anyone who’s slunk into Green Mill after 2 a.m. has probably been subjected to a shot of this bitter and foul-tasting digestive. Originally used as a medicinal drink to help keep your food down, one sip of this amber spirit is likely to bring everything up. Word has it that while it’s derived from a Swedish drink, it’s actually a local liquor–but don’t let hometown pride make you take a swig of it. 4802 N. Broadway, 773-878-5552
Sip on this instead: One of the bottled beers won’t do you wrong.
We learned the hard way so you don’t have to!
1. Beer is not a mixer.
2. Do not drink cheese. Ever.
3. Flavored vodka and citrus aren’t always a great duo.
4. “Goo” as a garnish is nasty.
5. Don’t do shots–of any kind–after 2 a.m.
