Looking back on 2004, we have to conclude that it could have been worse.
“HOW??” you ask, spitting out your coffee.
Well, OK, a giant asteroid could have smashed into the Earth and destroyed all human life except Paris Hilton and William Hung. Or Florida could have been hit by 20 hurricanes, instead of just 17.
Or the Yankees could have won the World Series.
But no question, 2004 was bad. Consider:
Osama bin Laden remained at large for yet another year, although we did manage, at long last, to put Martha Stewart behind bars.
As a nation, we managed somehow to get even fatter, despite the fact that anti-carbohydrate mania worsened to the point where the average American would rather shoot heroin than eat a bagel.
The “reality” show cancer continued to metastasize, so that you couldn’t turn on the TV without seeing either Donald Trump or a cavalcade of dimwits emoting dramatically about eating bugs, losing weight, marrying a millionaire or remodeling a bathroom.
Perhaps most alarming of all, Cher yet again extended her “farewell” tour, which began during the Jimmy Carter administration and is now expected to continue until the sun goes out.
So all things considered, we’re happy to be entering a new year, which according to our calculations is 2005, although exit polls were predicting it would be 1997.
But before we move on, let’s swallow our anti-nausea medication and take one last look back at 2004.
— JANUARY
The month opens with all the magic, excitement and glamour conjured up by the words “Iowa caucuses.” The political experts-having gauged the mood of the state by dining with each other at essentially three Des Moines restaurants-agree that the Democratic nomination has already been locked up by the feisty yet irritable genius, Vermont Gov. Howard Dean, thanks to his two unbeatable weapons: (1) the Internet, and (2) college students wearing orange hats.
But it turns out that the Iowa voters, many of whom apparently do not eat at the right restaurants, are out of the loop and vote for John “I Served In Vietnam” Kerry, who has many policies, although nobody, including him, seems to know for sure exactly what they are.
Dean, reacting to his Iowa loss, gives an emotional concession speech that ends with him making a sound like a hog being castrated with a fondue fork. Incredibly, this fails to improve his poll standings.
In sports, Pete Rose publishes a book in which he at last confesses to an allegation that dogged him throughout his baseball career: He’s a jerk.
— FEBRUARY
The nation-already troubled by bad news from Iraq, coupled with a resurgence in terrorism and a slow economic recovery-is traumatized by something that leaves a deep and lasting scar on the fragile national psyche: Janet Jackson’s right nipple, which is revealed for a full three ten-thousandths of a second during the Super Bowl half-time show.
As the nation reels in shock, the networks ban all programs that feature any kind of nudity, including unclothed fish. Congress also swiftly swings into action: Democrats blame the Bush administration, noting that the nipple was revealed on Bush’s watch, while Republicans point out that, during all eight years of the Clinton administration, Janet Jackson clearly possessed nipples, and Bill Clinton was almost certainly aware of this.
Elsewhere in politics, feisty Internet genius Howard Dean drops out of the Democratic race after losing 17 consecutive primaries, despite leading in every single exit poll. Meanwhile, Ralph Nader announces that he will again run for president, a decision that is hailed unanimously by Nader’s support base, which consists of Ralph and his friend Wendell the talking space turtle.
On the cultural front, the mayor of San Francisco attempts to legalize same-sex marriage, which outrages those who believe that marriage is a sacred institution that should be entered into only by heterosexual people, such as Britney Spears and Mike Tyson.
— MARCH
Kerry sews up the Democratic nomination but Dennis Kucinich stays in, saying that he intends to keep his idealistic grass-roots campaign going until either all U.S. troops leave Iraq or he finds a girlfriend.
There is finally some positive news from Iraq, where negotiators reach agreement on an interim constitution, which guarantees that, for the first time ever, Iraq will be governed by a duly elected council of nervous men in armored cars going 80 mph.
In domestic news, U.S. gasoline prices reach record levels when, in what economists describe as a freak coincidence, two drivers attempt to refuel their Humvees on the same day.
On the legal front, a federal jury convicts Martha Stewart on four counts of needing to be taken down a peg. In what many legal experts call an unduly harsh punishment, a federal judge sentences Stewart to be the topic of 17 consecutive weeks of Jay Leno jokes.
— APRIL
The Federal Communications Commission levies a $495,000 fine against Clear Channel Communications for a 2003 incident in which Howard Stern, on his nationally broadcast radio show, exposed his right nipple.
But the big entertainment news comes at the end of the two-hour season finale of the mega-hit reality show “The Apprentice,” when Donald Trump, in the most-anticipated event of the year–and quite possibly all of human history–fires that one guy, whatshisname, and keeps that other guy. You remember. It was HUGE.
— MAY
The world is shocked by photos taken inside Iraq’s notorious Abu Ghraib prison, showing U.S. soldiers repeatedly forcing prisoners to look at the video of Janet Jackson’s right nipple. As human-rights organizations voice outrage, President Bush vows to “punish whoever is responsible for this, no matter who it is, unless of course it is Donald Rumsfeld.”
The nation’s mood does not improve when the Department of Making Everybody in the Homeland Nervous raises the Official National Terror Index Level to “Yikes!” based on having received credible information indicating that al Qaeda terrorist cells are “up to something” and “could be in your attic right now.”
Kerry, looking to improve his image with Red State voters, shoots a duck.
The big entertainment news in May is the much-anticipated final episode of “Friends,” in which Joey, Chandler, Ross, Rachel, Monica and Phoebe suddenly realize that they are, like, 53 years old.
— JUNE
Former President Clinton travels around the nation bringing comfort to large crowds of Americans who injured themselves attempting to lift Clinton’s 1,000-page memoir, entitled “Some Day I Might Read This Myself.”
The news from Iraq continues to worsen as the interim governing council, in a move that alarms the Bush administration, chooses, by unanimous vote, its new acting president: Al Gore. He immediately demands a recount.
President Bush meets with the pope and, in impromptu remarks afterward, describes him as “a great American.” Kerry, campaigning in Michigan, strangles a deer.
On the economic front, there is good news and bad news. The good news is, the U.S. economy has generated 250,000 new jobs. The bad news is that 80 percent of these openings are for cable TV legal experts needed to speculate endlessly about the Scott Peterson trial.
— JULY
Kerry is formally nominated at the Democratic convention in Boston and, in his acceptance speech, tells the wildly cheering delegates that, if he is elected president, his highest priority will be “to develop facial expressions.”
Also well-received at the convention is Kerry’s wife, Teresa Heinz-Ketchup Kerry, who gives a moving account of being an immigrant in America with little more than hopes, dreams, a personal staff, a large fortune and a Gulfstream jet.
In Washington, President Bush, reacting to news of a projected sharp increase in the federal budget deficit, vows to find out if this is a good thing or a bad thing or what.
On the terrorism front, the federal commission charged with investigating the Sept. 11 attacks, having spent more than a year questioning hundreds of witnesses and reviewing thousands of pages of classified documents, concludes that the attacks were “very bad” and “better not happen again.”
In Baghdad, former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein appears in a courtroom to hear the charges against him, which include torture, murder, genocide and more than 175,000 zoning violations. The judge rules that further proceedings will be postponed “until the Scott Peterson trial is over.”
The big movie hit of the summer is “Fahrenheit 9/11,” a shocking documentary that shows how Bush administration policies were directly responsible for making Michael Moore more than $100 million.
In sports, Lance Armstrong wins his sixth consecutive Tour de France, overcoming the hardship of having to pedal hundreds of kilometers with hostile French persons clinging to his legs.
— AUGUST
Greece hosts a highly successful Olympics. Fears of terrorist attacks prove unjustified, most likely because the terrorists, like everybody else, are watching women’s beach volleyball.
In weather news, an unprecedented series of hurricanes hit Florida, causing millions of Sunshine State residents, by longstanding tradition, to throng to home-supply stores in an effort to purchase the two available pieces of plywood. Damage is extensive, although experts say it would have been much worse if not for a dense protective barrier of TV news people standing on the beaches and excitedly informing the viewing audience that the wind was blowing.
In other bad news, the Department of Homeland Fear, acting on credible information, raises the National Terror Index Level to “EEEEEEEE,” which is a level so high that only dogs can detect it.
— SEPTEMBER
Florida’s weather woes worsen as the Sunshine State is battered on consecutive days by more hurricanes. When it is finally over, many Florida residents are completely hairless, and shards of Walt Disney World are coming down as far away as Montana. The federal government, reacting quickly, sends a third sheet of plywood to Florida and promises that a fourth will be on the way “soon.”
In politics, the month begins with the Republican Convention and Mass Arrest in New York City. The GOP delegates, confounding exit pollsters, nominate George W. Bush, who promises that, if re-elected, he will “continue doing whatever it says here on the TelePrompTer.”
Dan Rather reports on CBS’ “60 Minutes” that a memo, allegedly written in 1972, suggests that Bush shirked his National Guard duty. Critics charge that the memo is a fake, pointing out that it specifically mentions the 2003 Outkast hit “Hey Ya.” Rather refuses to back down, arguing that the reference could be to “an early version of the song.”
Just when the public is about to abandon hope in the presidential election, the candidates get together for an actual debate at the University of Miami Convocation Center, which is the only building left standing in Florida. In summary:
Bush states that being president is really, really hard-for him, anyway. Kerry states that he is really, really smart and has, like, 185 specific plans. It is agreed there will be two more debates, although nobody can explain why.
In aviation news, the Transportation Security Administration, acting on credible information, announces that it will be requiring additional airport screening for commercial-airline passengers who are “wearing clothes.”
In medical news, former President Clinton experiences chest pains and is rushed to New York-Presbyterian Hospital, where, in a five-hour operation, surgeons successfully remove a glazed doughnut the size of a catcher’s mitt.
— OCTOBER
The Boston Red Sox, ending an 86-year drought, defeat the St. Louis Cardinals to win the World Series, defying exit polls that had overwhelmingly picked the Green Bay Packers. The Red Sox get into the Series thanks to the fact that the New York Yankees-who were leading the American League championships three games to none and have all-stars at every position, not to mention a payroll larger than the gross national product of Sweden-execute the most spectacular choke in all of sports history, a pathetic gut-check failure of such epic dimensions that everyone outside the New York metropolitan area experienced a near-orgasmic level of happiness. But there is no need to rub it in.
In entertainment news, Howard Stern signs a five-year, $500 million deal to move his show to satellite radio, where a man can still display a nipple. On the health front, the big story is a nationwide shortage of flu vaccine, caused by the fact that apparently all the flu vaccine in the world is manufactured by some guy in Wales or someplace with a Bunsen burner. President Bush notes that additional vaccine “could be hidden somewhere in Iraq.”
Kerry, campaigning in North Carolina, kills a raccoon with a hatchet.
In aviation news, SpaceShipOne, the first privately funded manned rocket, breaks free from its mother plane, soars 62 miles above Earth, swoops gracefully back to Earth, rolls to a stop on the Mojave Desert, and files for bankruptcy.
Osama bin Laden, who has not been seen or heard from in quite a while, releases a video in which he states that he is “willing to listen to offers from satellite radio.”
In other international news, Afghanistan’s historic first democratic elections go off without a hitch, except for an unexplained 27,500 votes from residents of Palm Beach County, Florida.
— NOVEMBER
The 2004 U.S. presidential election campaign, which has been going on since the early stages of the Cher Farewell Tour, finally staggers to the finish line. Kerry easily sweeps to a landslide victory in the exit polls and has pretty much picked his new Cabinet when word begins to leak out that the actual, physical voters elected George W. Bush. Democrats struggle to understand how this could have happened, and, after undergoing a harsh and unsparing self-examination, conclude that Red-State residents are morons. Some Democrats threaten to move to Canada; Republicans, in a gracious gesture of reconciliation, offer to help them pack.
The Scott Peterson trial finally ends with the jury finding him guilty of being just unbelievably irritating and recommending the death penalty. The verdict means sudden unemployment for thousands of cable-news legal analysts, who return to their cave to hang upside down by day and suck cow blood by night until they are called for the next big TV trial.
Meanwhile there are big changes in the Bush Cabinet, the most notable involving Atty. Gen. John Ashcroft, who announces that he will leave government to resume private life as a frozen haddock.
Dan Rather also resigns, on orders received via the secret radio in his teeth.
Abroad, the big news is the presidential election in the Ukraine, where the government, citing exit polls, declares that Viktor Yanukovych has defeated Viktor Yushchenko. Hundreds of thousands of outraged Ukrainians take to the streets, protesting that they cannot remember which Viktor is which. Many threaten to move to Canada.
In sports, a Pacers-Pistons NBA game in Detroit turns into a riot after Pacers star and rocket scientist Ron Artest, hit by a cup thrown by Fan A, retaliates by charging into the stands and attacking Fans B, C and D. Explaining his actions later on “The Today Show,” Artest says he thought he “saw weapons of mass destruction.”
— DECEMBER
The baseball world is stunned by the unbelievably shocking and astounding and totally unexpected news that some players may have taken steroids. “Gosh,” exclaims baseball commissioner Bud Selig, “this could explain why so many players suddenly develop 200 additional pounds of pure muscle and, in some cases, a tail.” Seeking to restore fan confidence in the sport, the players’ union and the team owners, in a rare display of cooperation, agree that it will be necessary to raise ticket prices.
On the military front, the president, in a move that sparks international outrage, announces that he is sending Ron Artest to Iraq.
In the Ukraine, weeks of massive street protests finally lead to a ruling by the Ukrainian supreme court that there must be a new election between the two Viktors, only this time, “they have to wear name tags.”
As we look back on the events of 2004, it would be easy to become depressed about the future, but as we begin the new year, we find ourselves feeling hope, optimism and a warm glow of happiness. Why? Because we’ve been hitting what’s left of the Champagne.
We recommend you do the same. But whatever you do: Have a happy 2005.
