Our Big Show
The Donald & Melania Knauss*
Bethesda by the Sea church
January 22, 2005
Best man: Donald Trump **
Groomsmen: Donald Trump Jr., My Hair,
(and one spot still open; see eBay.com. Bid now. It’s gonna be huge.)
Maid of honor: Elton John
Bridesmaids: The entire roster of Sports Illustrated’s swimsuit models.
Ring bearer: Prince Albert of Monaco.
THE CEREMONY
Opening remarks: David Letterman
The Processional: Accompanied by a string quartet, the O’Jays will be performing “Money, Money, Money.”
Prenuptial: The groom and bride will sign and date in the presence of attorneys.
Readings: P. Diddy will be reading from my book, “The Art of the Deal,” Pages 81-83, “The Cincinnati Kid: Prudence Pays.”
Autographed copies will be available at the Trump Reception Store.
Recessional: For the safety and comfort of our guests, the bride and groom respectfully request high-fives only. No low-fives.
Videographer: Clint Eastwood. DVDs of the ceremony will be available at the Trump Reception Store.
THE RECEPTION
Please join us at Mar-a-Lago, my private club. (No flash cameras unless I get at least 30 percent of any sales. Color photos will be available at the Trump Reception Store. Commemorative frames available for extra fee.)
FESTIVITIES INCLUDE
Toast: My toast to myself and Melania Knauss.
First dance: “Last Dance” by Donna Summer.
Bouquet toss: To be conducted by Melania Knauss.
Farewell to the couple: Each guest will throw crumpled $20 bills at the couple then exit through the Trump Reception Store.
SPECIAL THANKS TO
The kids from “The Apprentice” (a.k.a. our valet parking team, headed by Bill Rancic)
Ex-wives: Ivana Trump (1977-1990); Marla Maples (1993-1999)
* (Ms. Knauss is wearing a $1.5 million 15-carat ring from Graff Jewelers; got a deal if I mentioned them by name. That’s GRAFF JEWELERS.)
** No footnote. Just wanted some more attention.
*** For the first time in years, Star Jones is not eligible.
