TODAY’S QUESTIONS
TOPIC 1: WHAT STANDS OUT TO YOU ABOUT THE NO. 1 ILLINI?
TOPIC 2: CREATE ONE ALTERNATIVE NON-OFFENSIVE GESTURE FOR COACHES TO USE AGAINST RAUCOUS FANS.
TOPIC 3: IF PHIL JACKSON TOOK OVER THE KNICKS, THE KNICKS WOULD …
TOPIC 4: WHAT UNIFORM IS MAGGLIO ORDONEZ WEARING ON OPENING DAY?
TOPIC 5: LET’S SAY SNOOP DOGG IS AN NFL COACH. GIVE HIS OFFENSE A NICKNAME.
JIMMY GREENFIELD
Few, if anybody, really think they’re as good as they are.
Remote-control jacket lifter raises rear of coat to reveal picture of William Ligue.
Find serenity in their salary-cap woes and inevitable failure.
None. His knee gets examined, he fails a physical, doesn’t play until June.
“What up, D?”
PHIL THOMPSON
They have yet to break out the Cristal. What kind of institution of higher education is this?
Wag the finger a la Dikembe Mutombo. The man was a visionary.
Win a title, then implode before Jackson moves on to coach in Philly.
A Tigers uniform. I love mascots.
The West Side offense.
LEO EBERSOLE
They wear orange pretty well, although I see them in more of a tangerine.
The Norv Turner-patented Perpetual Stare of Obliviousness.
Have to sacrifice at least three goats to the basketball gods. At least.
One with “5 out of 5 Austrian doctors agree I’m healthy” stitched on the back.
The sticky green machine.
WHIZZER
They’ve had–what?–27 different guys make key shots.
Throw a bucket of colored confetti and play a kazoo.
Get a call from Michael Jordan.
One of those split ones, half-Mets, half-Cubs. Why is everyone staring at me?
“T-Bone Formation.” And Bag Boy. Don’t use the Snoop Translator. Please. It’s so ’03.
BAG BOY
The fact that they have countless more opportunities to lose.
Soap their car windows, TP their lawns, put flaming dog poop on their doorsteps …
Still suck.
McDonald’s.
The West Coast Shizzolotor.
