So you’ve been asked to be an attendant in a loved one’s wedding party. (Or maybe a not-so-loved one’s wedding party!) If you’ve never had the pleasure, you’re probably clueless about how to fulfill your duties. But help is here. We’ve outlined the duties and responsibilities for being a bridesmaid, groomsman, maid of honor or best man.
Party time!
The maid of honor typically plans a bridal shower with help from the bridesmaids. The shower doesn’t have to be a formal affair, and it certainly shouldn’t present an overwhelming financial burden–a small at-home party works. The maid of honor and bridesmaids should also plan the bachelorette party. Similarly, the best man and groomsmen should be prepared to plan a bachelor party. Attendants should talk to the bride or groom to determine their wishes–whether it’s a Cubs game or a weekend in Vegas. Again, if you simply can’t afford the latter, don’t feel pressured to max out the credit card–explain your situation. If they’re really such good friends, they’ll understand.
Tour of duty
So you live across the country from the bride or groom, and they’re planning a minimum of four prewedding events. Plan on attending as many as you reasonably can–especially if you’re the maid of honor or best man. If it’s a real financial stretch, give the bride or groom plenty of advance notice. And if you live in town, attend every event to which you’re invited–this goes for the entire party. But definitely don’t miss the rehearsal, typically held the day before the wedding and followed by a dinner. Tradition states that all out-of-town guests should be invited to the rehearsal dinner, so unless otherwise notified, your significant other can attend too.
Wear it well
So lavender taffeta’s not your style? Guys, you’d rather be in jeans than a stiff tux? Too bad–you’re required to wear whatever attire the bride or groom chooses. Guys usually get off easy. But ladies, if your friend decides you just must walk down the aisle in that $500 Vera Wang gown and you’re barely making rent as it is, then have a gentle but honest talk about what your bank account can take. But if pink’s just not your color–then you’ll have to deal.
The big day
Besides standing up for your loved one during the ceremony, attendants should provide moral support as well as attend to the couple throughout the day and mingle with guests. The maid of honor should help the bride adjust her dress and veil and go to the ladies’ room (not an easy task in a big white wedding dress) while the best man must hold the rings and usher guests. At the reception, his most visible duty is offering the toast, usually right before the meal is served. The speech should be tasteful–remember that family’s in attendance, so nix the story about that crazy drunken night. In recent years, the maid of honor has also been known to offer a speech–check with the bride if you’d like to say a few words.
Have fun!
No one wants a sad wedding party. Without going to extremes (excessive drinking, inappropriate flirting), let loose and have a good time–and help give the bride and groom a night to remember.–REDEYE SPECIAL CONTRIBUTOR JENNIFER RUNG IS A FREELANCE WEDDING AUTHOR WHO’S WRITTEN “THE IDIOT’S GUIDE TO BEING A GROOM,” “THE EVERYTHING CREATIVE WEDDING IDEAS BOOK,” “THE EVERYTHING BRIDESMAID BOOK,” “THE IDIOT’S GUIDE TO BEING FATHER OF THE GROOM” AND MANY GUIDES AND ARTICLES.
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Now it’s Personal
How to ask folks to be in your wedding party
If you’re the bride or groom, keep in mind a number of factors when asking friends and family members to join your wedding party. Most important, make sure this is an honor–and not a burden–you’re bestowing on your loved one. In other words, don’t make any unreasonable financial requests or expect indentured servitude for the duration of your engagement.
Make sure to give a ballpark estimate of the financial obligation–if your heart’s set on that couture bridesmaid dress or you insist they spring for an updo at that pricey salon, let your ladies know ASAP and offer financial help for wardrobe requests that go beyond a few hundred dollars.
As you choose your wedding party, tread carefully. Ask your closest friends and family members–people who you feel will be part of your lives for a long time to come. Choosing an equal number of bridesmaids and groomsmen is not required, particularly if this means omitting someone you’d otherwise include. Never, ever ask someone and then “un-ask” them–this is the ultimate faux pas.
If there are friends who you’d like to honor, but your wedding party is just growing too big, include them in other ways–perhaps they can do a ceremony reading or provide music. Though the average wedding party consists of about eight to 10 total attendants (male and female), you can certainly ask fewer–or more–to participate.–Jennifer Rung
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Edited by Jen Robbins (jrobbins@tribune.com)
