Listen. That giant sucking sound you hear is the music and film industries getting ready to kiss up to themselves. That’s right, the Grammy (7 p.m. Sunday) and Academy Awards (7 p.m. Feb. 27) are upon us. Sure, they’re both pretentious and political, but somehow you just can’t resist watching.
But which awards ceremony has more heat?
LIVIN’ LA VIDA LOCAL
Grammys: Best-everything nominee and South Side native Kanye West dropped out of art school, then Chicago State University.
Oscars: Best actress nominee Virginia Madsen used to wait tables in her native Chicago.
Winner: Grammys, If–no, when–Kanye wins, the whole world will give props to the Chi.
RED CARPET STYLE
Grammys: If Andre 3000 can set the bar by dressing like a cab-driving Leprechaun, that should tell you everything you need to know.
Oscars: Vera Wang will exhaust every shade of pastel.
Winner: Grammys, hands down. Forget the fashion critics, music stars risk getting picked up by a vice unit.
UNWANTED GUEST
Grammys: Ashlee Simpson. Right now she would lose a Harris popularity poll to the ebola virus.
Oscars: Acid-tongued Kathy Griffin gets another shot at reporting for E!. Since there’s no way anyone involved with “Hide and Seek” will be there, Dakota Fanning should be safe.
Winner: Oscars. There’s no escape. The red-carpet redhead is doing the Grammys too.
PREDICTION
Grammys: For every award Kanye wins, Gretchen Wilson will interrupt his speech–with an assist from 50 Cent and the ghost of Ol’ Dirty Bastard.
Oscars: The academy president will drone on and on, ironically, about the length of speeches.
Winner: Grammys. We’re looking forward to the world’s first country music dis track.
WHO BRINGS THE HEAT?
Grammys: Pressing Grammy night issue: Norah Jones or Sarah McLachlan–who will be the first to revive Lilith Fair?
Oscars: If he wins, Jamie Foxx will deliver the most thrilling acceptance speech since Cuba Gooding Jr. slipped a disc doing backflips.
Winner: Usher. Gaze deeply at his perfect teeth. We must … obey.
OVERALL WINNER: The Grammys. Always younger and hipper than the Oscars, and the lingering threat of a stabbing or two adds to the drama.
