Dear Amy: My sister is marrying her husband again after 11 years of wedded bliss, except this time in the Catholic Church after their annulments were finally granted. They were previously married by a justice of the peace.
Though she didn’t have a formal wedding ceremony, I gave her a wedding gift those many years ago. Now she is going for the hoopla–white gown, tuxes, formal reception and a guest list of 150.
I should note that she had the fancy to-do with her two previous husbands.
What would be an appropriate gift this time around? Note: She told me to ask you.
–Little Sister
Dear Sister: Surely your sister and her husband aren’t expecting gifts, right? I think you should assume that this whoop-de-do is really intended to be a public celebration of their love and commitment, because anything else seems too shallow to contemplate.
According to the “Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette,” the happy couple are already defying convention in numerous ways. That doesn’t make this celebration a bad thing by any means, but I don’t think they should compound their gaffes by expecting gifts. Many couples who remarry make it clear that they just want to share the day with friends and family and that no gifts are expected. That seems about right to me.
I think you should ask your sister what she wants, what she expects and why. You are not obligated to regift them, but you might want to honor their day by making a donation in their name to the church. Surely they would love that, right?
Dear Amy: I’m responding to a letter from a mother whose daughter had accepted an engagement ring from her live-in boyfriend, whose divorce was not yet final.
This is so wrong on so many levels. I agree with you that the mother should try to act neutral. However, an anonymous letter to the guy’s wife and also to his boss about what is happening would be in order.
Most likely the daughter is young and dumb, so it’s up to the caring family to intercede surreptitiously. If financial, emotional and possibly work-related repercussions occur for him, then so be it.
If this were my daughter, throwing some gas on a volatile situation may be what’s needed for her to see the light.
–Sad and Mad Dad
Dear Dad: This is the worst idea I have ever heard. I would counsel a mom to go and punch a lothario directly in the nose before I would suggest that she send an anonymous letter.
First of all, I would be surprised to find a boss who would or could weigh in on an employee’s personal conduct that isn’t illegal but merely sleazy.
Second, trying to anonymously damage a person’s reputation is so cowardly. If you throw gas on a situation and the wind shifts, guess who gets burned?
Dear Amy: I had to laugh at the letter from “Desperate Housewife,” who couldn’t get her spouse and kids to pick up after themselves.
When I got married for the first time, my husband expected me to launder and iron his Army uniforms. I was a full-time student and worked two jobs. I told him that his laundry was his own problem.
Not surprisingly, the marriage lasted less than a year. The next time I got married, it was to a guy who liked to cook and sew. I work on the family vehicles and do home repairs. It suits us to a T.
–Happier
Dear Happier: You two are perfectly suited. Congratulations!
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Ask Amy appears Mondays through Fridays in Tempo, Saturdays in the Weekend section and Sundays in Q. Readers may send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611. Previous Ask Amy columns are available at chicagotribune.com/amy.
