Dr. James Dobson–we owe you and your finely tuned gaydar an apology. When your organization, Focus on the Family, made headlines recently with your shocking revelations about SpongeBob SquarePants’ hidden gay agenda, we scoffed. But like fellow obsessive Jerry Falwell and his revelations about Tinky Winky a few years ago, how right you were. Thanks to some super sleuthing (and don’t even get us started on the Hardy Boys), we’ve recently spotted the following characters gaying it up all over Chicago–just in time for Fireball 2005 (Friday-Sunday; find details on metromix.com).
BELOVED FICTIONAL CHARACTER
Bert & Ernie
SPOTTED AT
Charmers
1502 W. Jarvis Ave. 773-465-2811
ACTIVITIES
Twin beds–right. Folks on Sesame Street may be fooled, but how many times have we listened to these two old queens wax sentimental about the Stonewall riots while they nurse their 7 and 7s at this Art Deco throwback. (Though we kind of believe Bert when he says he threw that first rock, the miserable crank.)
BELOVED FICTIONAL CHARACTER
Dora the Explorer
SPOTTED AT
Kopi, A Travelers Cafe
5317 N. Clark St. 773-989-5674
ACTIVITIES
Don’t let that baby face fool you. We hear Dora’s really a 23-year-old Columbia College film and video grad student. And she’s been “exploring” for years. And where better than this multi-culti hangout? Sure, Dora, you love to check out “Let’s Go: Central America” while sipping your chai, but we see you checking us out, too.
BELOVED FICTIONAL CHARACTER
Peppermint Patty
SPOTTED AT
The Closet
3325 N. Broadway, 773-477-8533
ACTIVITIES
Hey, Patty, where’s Marci? What do you mean you don’t know? Did you guys have a fight? Oh, you’re just here watching the game. That’s cool. But if I see you talking to that woman at the end of the bar, the one with the roller-skate tattoo on her arm and a cigarette hanging out of her mouth, I’m calling Marci on her cell and telling her to get over here now. And to bring Lucy along too. There will be drama.
BELOVED FICTIONAL CHARACTER
SpongeBob SquarePants
SPOTTED AT
Hydrate
3458 N. Halsted St. 773-975-9244
ACTIVITIES
Where else would you expect to find a sponge? It’s called Hydrate, duh! And here the whole super-tight shirt thing kind of makes sense. But someone, please, tell the guy to get himself to Cheetah Gym. That square look is really very 2003. We think he’d be totally cute if he were just a little more cut.
BELOVED FICTIONAL CHARACTER
Mr. Smithers
SPOTTED AT
Sidetrack
3349 N. Halsted St. 773-477-9189
ACTIVITIES
If it’s Monday you know Waylon’s going to be here belting it out with Ethel, Barbara and the cast of “Wicked.” But when “Mommie Dearest” starts to play, you better back up. Ol’ girl’s always right in synch–say it with us now: “Step. Step. Step. Breathe.”
