Dear Amy: I am a 46-year-old mother of a delightful 10-year-old girl. Her father and I separated before she was born, and he has had no relationship at all with her. I had not dated anyone seriously since that time.
Over a year ago, I met a man and fell immediately for him. I couldn’t believe how well we got along and how much I really loved him. He moved in with us and immediately treated my daughter like his very own, the only “father” she has ever known. She loves him madly. I feel my dreams have come true.
Here’s my problem — after all this time, he decided to tell me that he actually is still married. He told me he has not lived with his “wife” for at least eight years and that they never filed for divorce for tax purposes and because he is self-employed and she had better insurance.
Well, I reacted very strongly to this revelation and asked him to leave. He seems to think I am overreacting. He says he loves my daughter and me and was merely waiting for the right time to tell me. I am not sure I can trust him now. I love him so much and really don’t want to live without him.
Am I overreacting? I don’t want to be played for a fool, and I certainly don’t want my daughter to go through this — though she already has.
Do you have any suggestions?
— Thought I Found True Love
Dear True Love: If your guy’s marriage is a sham, then he is perpetuating a fraud on the system. If it isn’t a sham, he is defrauding you. Either way, he is playing you for a fool.
Here’s where his argument breaks down — if his being married is no big deal, then why didn’t he tell you about it when you first met? The fact that he kept it a secret means he knew it was a big enough deal to hide it from you.
You should be extremely cautious about this relationship until you are absolutely certain that this guy is all he claims to be.
If I were you, I’d demand some documentation.
Dear Amy: I am 14 years old. My parents yell frequently, sometimes at me and sometimes at each other. My dad yells about the costs of necessary items such as groceries and clothing. To annoy him, my mom takes his checkbook or credit card and buys things with them.
Whenever something is not done to my mom’s satisfaction, she yells at the offender. When I have friends over, sometimes I can hear my parents arguing, even though they are on the second floor and I am in the basement. It mortifies me to no end.
I have cardiac problems, and I am afraid that this stressful environment will damage my health. I have already tried talking to my parents, but that does not help. What should I do? I just want to have a normal family.
— Seeking Normalcy
Dear Seeking: First of all, there is no such thing as a “normal” family. What you want is a family different from the one you have, and I don’t blame you a bit. I am so sorry you are going through this and hope you will show your parents this letter. They sound pretty selfish, but seeing their behavior reflected back to them might help them wake up and try to change.
It might help if you could get involved in some outside activities that expose you to adults who respect one another and respect you — scouting might be a good fit, for instance. Also, if you continue to feel stressed out about this, I think you should see your school counselor A counselor or your medical doctor might be able to talk some sense into your folks. What they are doing is extremely damaging, not only to their relationship, but also to you, so they should stop it immediately.
Dear Amy: This is in response to the question of how to tell someone they have bad body odor.
My mother was unfamiliar with American products, and 40-50 years ago deodorant was advertised so subtly that it was unclear what it was for.
Our water heater was too small to allow for more than two baths an evening for the entire family, so each of us bathed once every four days.
Of course we didn’t notice our own smells!
One day my high school gym teacher took me aside and asked if I knew that I had a serious body odor.
It was excruciatingly humiliating, but when I told my mother, she supplied the entire family with deodorant, and the bath schedule was changed.
There is no painless way to fix this problem, but to this day I thank that gym teacher for preventing the same humiliation for my younger siblings.
— Smellin’ Sweet
Dear Sweet: Of all the suggestions readers have sent in about how to handle this, the truth, told directly and discreetly, seems best.
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Ask Amy appears Mondays through Fridays in Tempo, Saturdays in the Weekend section and Sundays in Q. Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611. Previous columns are available at Chicagotribune.com/amy.
