Dear Cheryl: I placed an ad on a dating Web site a couple of years ago and have had absolutely no luck. Not one person replied to my ad, and of the 30-plus profiles I responded to, not one person replied back. I’m not exaggerating when I say I’ve been shut out in my online dating experience.
I’m sending you my profile and one of the replies I’ve sent, which, as usual, received no response. My appearance isn’t the problem, because no one has even asked for my picture.
Here’s my ad:
“37-year-old man seeking 28-36-year-old woman. Never married, white, athletic, toned, 5-11, hazel eyes, brown hair, Catholic, graduate degree, executive position. I’d rather not list my income. I relocated from Chicago 10 years ago but still consider Chicago my home. I travel 50 percent of the time for work and would like to meet someone who has a flexible schedule and can get away on occasion. I also do quite a bit of running. I ran in the Chicago Marathon in ’02, the New York Marathon in ’03, the Dublin Marathon in ’04 and this year I’m planning to run the Vienna Marathon in May and the Amsterdam Marathon in October. I eat a healthy diet and don’t smoke. I’m a social drinker. I live alone, no pets. I don’t have kids, but want three of them. I’d possibly be willing to adopt. If you want a picture, just drop me a note and ask!
“I’m open to meeting anyone who has an outgoing personality, is active, kind-hearted, intelligent and enjoys working out and going to sporting events. Someone who isn’t wound too tightly but who has a lot of energy and can channel it in a positive direction. I don’t care about hair or eye color and height can be anywhere from 5-1 to 5-10. I prefer a slender, toned, athletic body. I’m open to any ethnic background, religion, educational background, occupation and income. I like a social drinker, but no smokers. I don’t care if the woman already has kids, but she has to want them. My turn-ons are skinny-dipping, flirting, thrills, sarcasm, and erotica. I don’t have a perfect date.”
“Cheryl, are there any glaring red flags that I’m sending and not seeing? Do you have any suggestions on what I may be doing wrong, or could you offer some advice on what I could do to improve my ad or replies?
— The Strikeout King
Dear Strikeout King: I see three problem areas. The first is you want three kids. Some of the women who might be interested in you are probably divorced and have a child or two. Having three more could be a real deal-breaker for them. I think you need to be realistic and change three kids to one or two. I know that sounds like a huge compromise, but right now you’re not having any kids, so even one is better than none!
Problem 2: Your turn-ons! They’re weird!! You don’t talk about skinny-dipping to someone you don’t even know. Flirting? Thrills? What kind of thrills are you talking about? Parachute-jumping or having sex in a public place? And sarcasm? What does that mean? You like women who make fun of you? Erotica? Save that for when you’re in a relationship. You need to change your turn-ons to something that women can feel comfortable with, such as “a warm smile” or “a sense of humor.”
Problem 3: You don’t have a perfect date? That makes you sound lazy and boring. Come up with something that would make a woman want to grab her coat and meet you. Something like “Dinner at a cozy Italian restaurant with a nice bottle of chianti and then a piano bar for a nightcap.”
In the next column, we’ll tackle your reply.
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Got a problem? Send it to Cheryl Lavin, Tales From the Front, Chicago Tribune, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611 or e-mail cheryllavin@aol.com. All names are changed. Letters cannot be considered without name, address and day and evening phone numbers. Letters may be used in whole or in part. Read Tales From the Front Monday, Wednesday and Friday in Tempo.
