With full squads reporting for the Cubs and Sox and the crucial exhibition season just three days away, it’s time to look into the Cactus League crystal ball for our preseason predictions about
… the preseason.
Let me just plug this damn thing in over here and OW!
Feb. 23: The media is curiously silent when Sammy Sosa fails to show up on time for Cubs training camp.
Feb. 25: The media is curiously silent on anything the White Sox say or do.
Feb. 27: Jeromy Burnitz scares the bejeezus out of his teammates by showing up with a boombox playing loud salsa music.
March 2: Ron Santo is elected by the Veterans Committee to the Hall of Fame.
March 3: Scott Podsednik brings girlfriend and former Playboy playmate Lisa Dergan to camp only to find she is just the eighth hottest girlfriend to show up.
March 5: Frank Thomas makes his first appearance in Tucson. Minutes later, he realizes he made a wrong turn in Falstaff and heads back to Las Vegas.
March 6: After falling to 0-4, Dusty Baker responds to a question about whether he’s worried about the Cubs’ record with a look of stunned silence.
March 8: White Sox catcher A.J. Pierzynski buys pizza for the team, declares himself “clubhouse cancer free.”
March 10: The Cubs take a step toward finding a closer by holding the swimsuit portion of the competition.
March 12: White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen says something funny, yet oddly incoherent.
March 13: Thomas selects Austin Peay in the White Sox March Madness pool, then turns around and trades Austin Peay to an unsuspecting Shingo Takatsu for North Carolina.
March 14: The first Cubs-White Sox game ends in a 9-9 tie, but the Cubs are declared winners when Todd Walker throws out a rock to Paul Konerko’s scissors.
March 17: Seeking to Americanize himself, Japanese import Tadahito Iguchi announces he will go by the name “Tadahito Smith.”
March 19: New Cubs announcer Bob Brenly says Cubs relievers are a work in progress; the relievers call their mommies to complain.
March 21: Tribune Co. executives show up and refuse to take off three-piece suits despite 98-degree temperatures.
March 23: Milwaukee’s Carlos Lee faces the Sox for the first time since being traded. He reluctantly gives back his keys to U.S. Cellular, but now he wants his records back.
March 25: Willie Harris belts out the theme from “Shaft” at a Tucson karaoke bar.
March 26: Harris apologizes to Kenny Williams for replacing his name with “Shaft” in the chorus.
March 29: Ex-Cubs hold a reunion at HoHoKam. Ex-Cubs 7, Cubs 5 (10 innings).
March 31: After breaking camp, the Cubs and Sox return to civilization in search of their loved ones.
