TODAY’S QUESTIONS
TOPIC 1: WHO IS THE BIGGEST CLOWN IN SPORTS TODAY?
JIMMY GREENFIELD
Dick Vitale, although the first actor who played Vitale was the best of the Vitales.
PHIL THOMPSON
Gotta be Mike Tyson. Eating children–where does he get
his material?!
LEO EBERSOLE
Ron Artest, but he’s more of an angry clown, in the “It” mold.
BAG BOY
Yao Ming. I mean, just look at those shoes.
JOEY D’AURIA
Terry Bradshaw. The fact that a bald guy is spokesman for Supercuts is hilarious.
TOPIC 2: TWO BIG TEN TEAMS MAKE THE FINAL FOUR. WHAT DOES THIS TELL YOU?
JIMMY GREENFIELD
This feels like a math question. I’ll go with B) The bandwagon will arrive in eight minutes.
PHIL THOMPSON
Northwestern helped their self-esteem by donating all those
losses.
LEO EBERSOLE
You’re asking a man with a clown nose?
BAG BOY
Nine others won’t feel the crushing disappointment of losing in April.
JOEY D’AURIA
College students can’t be drinking all the time.
TOPIC 3: BILL MURRAY HAS PLANS TO GO TO THE FINAL FOUR. HOW DOES HE GET TICKETS?
JIMMY GREENFIELD
Offer a cameo role in his new film, “Ghostbusters 3: The Sean
Higgins Story.”
PHIL THOMPSON
He needs to grease Mr. Blue Hands’ palms with some green.
LEO EBERSOLE
He quotes “Caddyshack,” and the ticket broker is putty in his hands.
BAG BOY
Who knows? But he’s on a gravy train with biscuit wheels.
JOEY D’AURIA
By threatening to do another movie like “The Life Aquatic.”
TOPIC 4: HOW WILL YOU SPEND BASEBALL’S OPENING DAY A WEEK FROM TODAY?
JIMMY GREENFIELD
Sipping hot cocoa in my underwear watching baseball. Then I’ll go home from work.
PHIL THOMPSON
No party is complete without a professional clown. So Joey, could you ask Jimmy for me?
LEO EBERSOLE
Changing “the Washington Nationals have never lost a game” schtick.
BAG BOY
New season, new dead-end dreams, fresh brown bag. That’s the Chicago way.
JOEY D’AURIA
The same way all Chicago baseball fans will: weeping uncontrollably.
TOPIC 5: WHAT SPORTS PERSONALITY HAS MADE YOU LAUGH THE MOST OVER THE YEARS?
JIMMY GREENFIELD
Mark Grace. Sure, he tried too hard sometimes, but at least he tried.
PHIL THOMPSON
Leo looks really funny when reflected in Jimmy’s head. And every other time too.
LEO EBERSOLE
That goofy, happy-go-lucky Dick Jauron. What a joker!
BAG BOY
There have been so many. Lee Elia ranks up there. And you can print it.
JOEY D’AURIA
Fuzzy Zoeller. It’s not because he’s done anything funny. I just like saying his name.
