The NCAA Tournament makes everyone take their game to the next level, and the regulars at Five on Five are no exception. Be thankful you didn’t watch the game with them because none of them ever shut up.
WHIZZER, 5:19 P.M.: Leo told me the game started at 5:20. Where the hell is everyone?
BAG BOY, 7:05: Will this game ever start? I’ve got such a bagache.
LEO, 8:02: Greg Gumbel’s hair came to play. Very bouncy.
WHIZZER, 8:10: Hey I TiVo’d this game earlier and just got back from the future. I know who wins.
LEO, 8:23: Illini win the tip. All signs point to victory.
JIMMY, 8:26: I’m watching a tape of the 1988 Kansas-Oklahoma title game. What are you guys doing?
PHIL, 8:28: Dying here. Illinois’ offense looks really disjointed. But Bruce Weber’s orange blazer, snazzy!
WHIZZER, 8:35: Whenever I think of the Edward Jones Dome, I think of Kurt Warner’s wife. But that’s just me.
BAG BOY, 8:36: I’m heading to St. Louis for the second half. Who’s with me?
JIMMY, 8:47: I just saw Adrien Brody strutting. Man, that dude can sell soda pop.
BAG GIRL has entered the room
BAG GIRL, 8:50: Has anyone seen Bag Boy? I heard screaming.
BAG GIRL has left the room
WHIZZER, 8:51: You should have to make the “T” sign to get a timeout call like that.
LEO, 8:52: A giant TV antenna has entered the game. No wait, that’s Nick Smith.
BAG BOY, 8:54: I can’t stop biting my nails. Can I borrow somebody’s fingers?
PHIL, 9:01: No foul after hacks on The Minister Roger Powell. Refs figure he turns the other cheek.
WHIZZER, 9:05: Illinois down 33-25. Why? Can you say, “31 percent field goal shooting?”
Whizzer, 9:18: Nothing says, ‘Time to get pizza” than Dick Enberg’s halftime “essay.”
HALFTIME: North Carolina 40, Illinois 27
JIMMY, 9:22: Bag Boy, you have to be happy for Roy Williams if he wins, right?
BAG BOY, 9:23: I could harm you right now.
PHIL, 9:34: Do I really see 44-29? Is this an NFL game?
LEO, 9:35: Everything’s going Carolina’s way. On an unrelated note, I wish there was a Waffle House around here.
BAG BOY, 9:37: Try to focus here, people. Get into single digits … AND RUN!
PHIL, 9:38: 49-42! 49-42! You know what this means! What does this mean?
BAG BOY, 9:39: Life has no meaning if Illinois doesn’t win.
WHIZZER, 9:43: Shot in the head. That’s the Chicago way. Leo, pass the chips.
LEO, 9:44: 51-48. A team that beats Northwestern three times can’t possibly lose. Whiz, I ate ’em all.
PHIL, 9:45: Dee Brown made the wrong Dee-cision on that … THE MINISTER ON THE PUTBACK!
JIMMY, 9:48: Deron Williams is tougher than the corned beef at Lindy’s. (On advice of counsel, there is no such place as Lindy’s.)
WHIZZER, 9:51: I fought through a screen once. Thought I saw a doggie door. Take THAT, Billy Packer.
PHIL, 9:52: “Star Wars” trailer is … awesome. Anakin Skywalker would be a great Sith man.
LEO, 9:53: Phil’s joke is weaker than Illinois’ interior “D.” And smellier.
JIMMY, 9:54: Somebody has to stop Sean May. I nominate a twisted ankle.
PHIL, 9:58: I think “Sean May” is Gaelic for “do whatever you like in the paint.”
WHIZZER, 10:00: Sean May will go down in the annals of college basketball history. And … he’ll be an adequate NBA bench player.
BAG BOY, 10:01: An adequate bench player with a ring. Dee Brown will be ringless and eating falafel every day in Turkey.
PHIL, 10:02: I’ll have you know the Turkish Basketball Federation is a well-respected organization. And you infidels will perish under a thousand thousand flames.
LEO, 10:04: Whizzer, I checked in the bathroom for the extra Cokes, and it was empt–oh, you sly dog.
JIMMY, 10:06: OK, this is go time. Who’s up for pizza?
PHIL, 10:09: All the way back to tie it. Now a one-point hole. I knew it all along. (Breathe, Phil, breathe.)
BAG BOY, 10:11: Please, God, if they win I’ll never wear another “Muck Fichigan” shirt.
WHIZZER, 10:15: I can’t watch big games in bars. I’m too tempted to play Golden Tee 2005. Or put my head through it.
LEO, 10:20: Have they really taken more 3s than 2s? I mean, does that happen?
PHIL, 10:22: Yes, guys, keep missing those outside shots. Adds to the drama.
BAG BOY 10:24: I wanted to be wrong.
WHIZZER, 10:25: Live by the made 3s, die by the missed ones. A valiant effort, but good night, sweet princes.
