Chicagoan Judy Thomas’ ideal family would include four or five adults, all in love with one another.
For 10 years she lived and slept with two men, at first just one or the other, but eventually it developed into a sexual threesome. When they finally all split it up, it was because of health and work issues, Thomas said, not any relationship problems.
Now married, she and her husband recently invited a friend to come live with them in hopes of developing a triad too.
“If it worked, I’d be overjoyed,” she said. “You split the bills, you have more people to bounce ideas off of. … There’s always someone to do something with.”
Sure–which means anything from watching a movie to having sex to watching other partners have sex, something Thomas used to do in her triad of 10 years.
In high school, Thomas just figured she was fickle and at one point had two boyfriends, which bothered the guys. “I couldn’t understand why they had a problem with it. There’s plenty of me to go around,” she said. Monogamy is not for everyone.
For those who consider themselves polyamorous–capable of many loves at once–monogamy can seem repressive.
“If you are one person’s entire world, then that person is your entire world,” said Thomas, a 36-year-old social worker. With polyamory, “you don’t feel like you have to mold one other person to be like you. It allows you to express many aspects of your personality, not just the ones that blend with another person.”
Polyamorous networks can take many forms–a spouse who pursues romantic connections outside the marriage, couples who invite others into their relationships, or simply single men and women who openly date (and have sex with) many people at once.
But don’t confuse polyamory with swinging, followers are quick to point out.
“The joke in our community is we don’t have time for sex because we’re too busy processing our relationships,” said Robyn Trask, managing editor of Colorado-based Loving More magazine. Trask is currently dating around. “Certainly, these relationships involve sexuality and sex, but it’s more about expressing love.”
Polyamorous relationships require commitment, problem-solving and open communication, just like one-on-one sexual, romantic relationships–except with multiple partners, Trask explains.
So what about jealousy? That’s a personal issue of insecurity, not a flaw with the relationship, polyamorists say. People will feel jealous, so the key is to shore up the connection and reassure each other by being totally open about what’s happening–emotionally, romantically and sexually.
“When minor things come up, I tell him,” said Amber Seitz, 37, a North Sider who dates a man in Virginia with four other women in his life around the country. “I start creating misery if I don’t say anything.”
But Seitz realizes many around her don’t understand, so she remains quiet about her lifestyle. “My family is strict Christian,” she said. “I don’t want to harm them and say I just had sex with a whole room of people.”
Jim Accetta, 43, wanted to tell his wife about his polyamorous behavior. He was always falling for other people–though he didn’t necessarily pursue the relationship sexually–but he didn’t want to lie to her.
“Her first reaction was, ‘You know, that doesn’t surprise me,’ ” said Accetta, a life coach who lives in the Chicago area. “Then I asked her to be friends [with another partner], and she didn’t like that the relationships weren’t just casual sex.” She divorced him.
But polyamory and friendships that involve romantic love make sense to Accetta. “It explains who I am because society doesn’t explain it,” he said. “It was almost like I found a tribe that I belong to.”
