Please tell me you’re reading this in one of the following places:
a) On the way to Wrigley Field for a game.
b) At a bar watching one of the games.
c) Standing right behind me while I type this.
If you chose a) or b) I salute you, and the next round’s on me. If you chose c), knock it off.
Much has been written and said about the meaning of this weekend’s three-game series between the Sox and Cubs, so let me add a few more words and none of them in Latin.
These games matter. Rivalry and competition is why most sports fans get involved in the first place. Not me, of course. I come for the Mai Tais and stay for the fries, but other folks care.
And if you don’t? Go back to Milwaukee where you belong.
Here now, the picks.
FRIDAY
Time & TV: 1:20 p.m., WGN-Ch. 9, Comcast SportsNet
Matchups: RH Freddy Garcia (3-3, 4.02 ERA) vs.
RH Greg Maddux (2-1, 4.15).
A few more observations: I love Garcia. Rather, I loved him. Garcia has allowed 11 runs in his last 121 1/43 innings.
Yes, I’m shallow.
Hey, Friday’s afternoon game gets rebroadcast at 7 p.m. I predict the score will remain the same. If it changes, call NASA. You’re clearly trapped in another dimension. Here’s a tip, Sox fans. Show up at Wrigley wearing a Hawk Harrelson-inspired eye patch and scare the bejeezus out of the cuddly Cubbie faithful. You’d do it, if you had the testicular virility.
Whizzer’s pick: Cubs win, 8-3. Gosh, I hope Da Coach sings again.
SATURDAY
Time & TV: 12:20 p.m., WFLD-Ch. 32
Matchups: RH Jose Contreras (1-1, 3.52) vs.
RH Carlos Zambrano (3-2, 4.09).
A few more observations: This will be Zambrano’s first start since he was diagnosed with tennis elbow. Oddly enough, somewhere this week, Anna Kournikova was spotted scratching her crotch.
Due to a nationwide shortage of sunflower seeds, the Cubs and Sox will be forced to chew on last year’s sunflower seeds. In case you wonder why the rookies are rummaging around the infield.
This would be the perfect time for the first intracity trade during the Crosstown Classic. I propose the Sox acquire LaTroy Hawkins from the Cubs for two hot dogs to be eaten later. On second thought, that trade just isn’t fair to the Sox.
SUNDAY
Whizzer’s pick: Sox, 27-25. Neither team uses its punter.
Time & TV: 1:20 p.m., WGN-Ch. 9, Comcast SportsNet
Matchups: RH Orlando Hernandez (5-1, 3.91) vs.
RH Mark Prior (3-1, 2.93).
A few more observations: Ripping on the Cubs bullpen has become as easy as ripping on a no-talent blond female TV pop tart (pick one), but Cubs reliever Will Ohman hasn’t allowed a run in 10 appearances, making him a top lefty.
There is no truth to the rumor the Sox will bring back notorious Cub killer Carlos Lee for the series. But they are going to start calling Jermaine Dye “El Caballo.”
No matter how bad this series may go for the Sox, they’ll be in first place when the series ends. No matter how well it goes for the Cubs, they’ll still have LaTroy Hawkins.
Whizzer’s pick: Cubs win, 10-9. Relax. Sox reach the World Series.
