Dear Amy: I have a problem. My mother calls a lot and wants me to come over and help with things like her computer, hanging pictures, moving furniture, etc.
I go to school full time and work full time, and I cannot be at her beck and call.
I love my mother to death, but this has to stop. I cannot be everywhere at once.
My cell phone is turned off while I’m in school.
How should I handle this?
–Frustrated
Dear Frustrated: I know you think this is about household chores, but I think it’s about your mom missing you. It sounds as if your life and schedule have recently changed, and your mother might not be adjusting to it as well as you are.
You need to set some boundaries and reassure your mother that you will come to see her–even when there aren’t chores to do.
Perhaps you could develop a regular schedule–Saturday mornings or Sunday afternoons–where she knows she will see you. She can save up some of those pesky chores for you, but mainly you can visit with each other. Be firm but patient with her while she weathers this transition, but if she continues to be demanding, she could be suffering from depression or anxiety. If you feel her constant contact is out of hand, talk to her about it and urge her to see her doctor.
Dear Amy: My husband and I have been invited to the wedding of friends who attended our wedding several years ago.
We live 500 miles away, but we do intend to attend.
When they came to our wedding, they gave us a substantial monetary gift.
Our finances, however, don’t allow us to give them nearly that amount, and I’m worried about their reaction.
Am I stressing about this needlessly? My husband keeps telling me that if they don’t appreciate what we can give, they can just get over it.
–Not a Cheapskate
Dear Not: This is one problem I have with giving cash as wedding gifts. How much is enough?
Gift-giving should be proportional, not strictly reciprocal. You should assume that your friends will be happy to see you, honored that you will be with them on their big day and grateful for any gift from you.
If they’re not all of these things, then yes, I’m with your husband–they’ll have to get over it.
Dear Amy: We are responding to the letter from “Ziggy,” who wondered where all of the “cool, good-looking, moral women are.”
We are wondering where our male counterparts are hiding!
We aren’t finding them at bars, and we are sick of looking there! Even if we spot them, they seem not to have enough of a backbone to approach us and strike up a conversation.
Right now we are focusing on our careers because we find that the “search” has left us empty. Until we are convinced that there is interesting, mature male companionship out there, we can be found hanging out with our girlfriends.
–Three Professional Women in L.A.
Dear Women: It takes two sets of backbones to strike up a conversation. Why don’t you initiate contact? I have a friend who has a foolproof conversation starter.
“Hi. That’s such a great shirt–where did it come from?” If you follow a remark with a question, you’ll be talking before you know it.
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Ask Amy appears Mondays through Fridays in Tempo, Saturdays in the Weekend section and Sundays in Q. Readers may send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611. Previous Ask Amy columns are available at chicagotribune.com/amy.
