Sun tan lotion? Check. Map to Bourbonnais? Check. Dramamine? Check.
I am officially ready for Bears training camp.
You have to hand it to these Bears: They never give up at trying to beat real live NFL teams. Iut reminds me of Alfalfa swinging aimlessly while Butch holds his cowlicked head. God bless ’em.
At least they won’t be beating each other up as much this summer. Coach Lovie Smith promised to cut down on the two-a-days and stock up on the One-A-Day vitamins. I’ll be here all camp long, ladies and germs.
So without further ado (adieu? Apu?), let’s look at the pressing issues each week at training camp.
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JULY
24 Events: Practice at 3 p.m. Comment: Before I can even get on campus, the folks at Olivet Nazarene tell me I have to wear a leash. Not the way to get on my good side, Bears.
25 Events: Practice at noon. Staples sponsors Kids Only Autographs. Comment: What about a kid’s best friend?
26 Events: Practice at 9:30 a.m. and 7 p.m. Comment: The veterans have the duct tape, the goal post, but no Cedric Benson. Oh well, Kyle Orton it is.
27 Events: Practice at 3 p.m. Comment: Bears have a new strength coach named Rusty Jones. Why not hire a trainer named Creaky McGee?
28 Events: Practice at noon. Comment: Brian Urlacher’s hamstring and Rex Grossman’s knee take the day off to rest and chew the fat. They find out they have the same agent. Small world.
29 Events: Practices at 9:30 a.m. and 7 p.m. Comment: I predict that Benson finally arrives. He learns a lesson when his entourage is forced to fetch donuts.
30 Events: Practice at 3 p.m. Comment: I ask Muhsin Muhammad for an autograph, but I ask him to sign it “Curtis Conway.”
31 Events: Practice at noon; Comcast Hispanic Day. Comment: If I haven’t said it before, I love what you done with the defense, Ron Rivera.
AUGUST
1 Events: Practices at 9:30 a.m. and 7 p.m.; Family Night at Ward Field. Comment: Night practices are throwing off Tommie Harris’ and Tank Johnson’s midnight feed-offs.
2 Events: Practice at 3 p.m. Comment: Waiting for that Thomas Jones-Cedric Benson battle to erupt. We saw how well the Thomas Jones-Anthony Thomas battle went.
3 Events: Practice at noon. Comment: Orton hears a “who!” It’s the sound his chest makes after Lance Briggs’ tackle.
4 Events: Family Night at Soldier Field, 7 p.m. Comment: Family Night? I clearly heard “Ladies Night.” I shampooed and waxed for nothing.
5 Events: Practice at 3 p.m. Comment: Marc Columbo’s remedial training is coming along nicely. He learned to walk to day.
6 Events: Practice at 7 p.m.; ONU Appreciation Night. Comment: Mike Brown reads an “Ode to Olivet.” Not a dry eye in the house.
7 Events: No practice; travel to Canton. Comment: Shotgun! I called it, Rex.
8 Events: Bears vs. Miami Dolphins. Comment: The game is almost called on account of fog, but it’s just Ricky Williams. There he goes again, smoking the field!
9 Events: No practice. Comment: Lovie gets a preseason win. Start polishing the Lombardi Trophy.
10 Events: Practice at 4 p.m. Comment: Did you know Bourbonnais has a Belmont Avenue? But if I can’t find a cross-dressing tattoo artist, it’s just not the same.
11 Events: No practice. Travel to St. Louis. Comment: I call “Shot-“–curse you, Rex!
12 Events: Bears @ St. Louis Rams. Comment: I finally get to meet The Genius, Mike Martz. Hmm. I thought his ego’d be taller.
13 Events: No practice. Comment: The Pottawatomi Indians call Bourbonnais “Te-yar-ac-ke”, meaning “wonderful land.” I call it “Ter-i-yak-i,” meaning “wonderful sauce.”
14 Events: Practice at 4 p.m.; Armed Forces Day. Comment: Tank Johnson is excused from practice.
15 Events: Practice at 9:30 a.m. and 7 p.m. Comment: Roster cuts are an ever-present possibility. On the bright side, Chicago native Talib Wise won’t have far to travel.
16 Events: Practice at noon. Comment: Lovie accidentally cuts two assistants. Happens to every rookie coach. Oh, second year, huh? Well, won’t this season be a hoot?
17 Events: Practice, 3 p.m. Comment: Younger Bears are nervous about the opener at Washington, but no, Rex, you can’t wear the red jersey during the game.
18 Event: Camp breaks. Comment: And so does my heart. We’ll always have Bourbonnais.
Edited by Phillip Thompson (plthompson@tribune.com) and Michael Morgan (mnmorgan@tribune.com)
