You said you hated him.
You told your friends you’d never talk to her again.
But five months, three bad blind dates and two shots of tequila later, you called your ex and things got back on track.
Is this a fresh start at love or the hex of the ex?
It happens to everyone, including celebrities. Look no further than Tommy Lee and ex-wife Pamela Anderson–the married, divorced, on-again, off-again couple. Just last week, Lee proclaimed his love for Anderson and shot down marriage rumors in a matter of days.
Opinion is split on whether recycling a romance is a good idea.
Nicholas Peacock, a 23-year-old from Aurora, took the plunge and dated the same girl four years after they broke up. Peacock said he thought things might be different than the typical “recycle” because he and his ex had become best friends over time.
“We had a relationship where I would help her with advice about her boyfriend and she would help me with problems with my girlfriend,” said Peacock. “Everyone around us encouraged us to re-date because we knew each other backwards and forwards.”
Peacock said he was surprised the relationship only lasted six months the second time around.
“Maybe we knew each other a little too well,” said Peacock. “I wouldn’t re-date anyone again.”
Sarah Plafchan, 24, admits considering a “redo” with an eye-catching ex, but has resisted the temptation.
“A leopard doesn’t change his spots,” said Plafchan, who lives in Old Town. “The damage from the last time you were together is already done. You can’t look past it.” Dating experts say they see “blue bin” dating frequently, especially during the summer when many couples are getting engaged or married. Experts say the lovey-dovey climate puts pressure on broken-up couples to try, try again.
P.J. Osgood, 32, says it is never a good idea to dig into the recycling bin of relationships.
Osgood, a director at the Chicago office of It’s Just Lunch dating service, says “fresh and new” is the key to a healthy relationship.
“It’s tempting to think back to the one who got away, especially when your friends are announcing their engagements and starting families,” said Osgood. “But it’s important to move forward, not backward, in life.”
Osgood says some of her own friends rant and rave about an ex, then get back into the relationship months or even years later.
“Normally, it’s not long before you remember why you left the first time,” said Osgood. “It just doesn’t seem to work out.”
But Patti Feinstein, owner of America’s Dating Coach, says it depends on why a couple broke up the first time.
“Let’s say you don’t want to date someone with small children,” said Feinstein. “If you run into that person five to 10 years from now, that wouldn’t be the case. Say the person lived too far away, but they move close to you… Then, it could be worth another try.”
Feinstein, who gives dating advice to singles, says recycling relationships was common among her clients when she worked as a professional matchmaker.
“Dating is frustrating and takes a lot of work,” said Feinstein. “People settle when they think it’s too hard to find the right one.”
Is it different if the recycled romance is a marriage?
Two different couples experienced very different results.
Firefighter John Hardy married his high school sweetheart in 1991 when he was barely 21.
After only a few months of marriage and finding out his wife was pregnant, the problems began.
“It was more my fault than anything the first time,” said Hardy, 36, of Bolingbrook. “I fully admit that. I was young and scared about having a baby.”
A year later, the couple divorced.
Hardy said he tried to jump back into dating and so did his wife. But as they continued to talk, sharing stories of bad dates and relationships, their spark rekindled.
By 1994, the couple had remarried.
“I took a lot of ribbing about it,” said Hardy. “At the firehouse, the guys were calling me a sap and a sucker. They reminded me of all the stuff I’d said about my wife when we weren’t getting along.”
Hardy said his wife also had a long memory and constantly reminded him of things he had done wrong during their first marriage.
The pair divorced again in 1998.
Now, Hardy and his wife are remarried–to other people.
“We’re friends now and that’s what matters,” Hardy said of his first/second wife. “Time changes people and it’s better this way.”
Not so for Jeff Paul, a nursing school student and firefighter who lives in Oswego. Paul married Mindy in 1993 and they stayed together for eight years. Then, the bickering began.
“We just weren’t getting along and didn’t see things eye to eye,” he said. “She’s the one who went for the divorce, but then the weirdest thing happened…. She wouldn’t move out of the house.”
After an awkward year of separate bedrooms and meals, Paul said things got even worse. Mindy began dating again.
Though she never brought anyone to the house, Paul lost 55 pounds from the stress and hurt of knowing when she would leave for dates.
“I could hear her talking on the phone and making plans,” Paul said. “It was devastating for me.”
But when Paul returned the favor, he says a “miracle” occurred.
“One day I let Mindy see me jumping into the car with this really hot girl I’d met,” said Paul. “Ten days later she told me she had a change of heart. We’ve been back together ever since.”
The couple remarried on Valentine’s Day of 2003, against the advice of some of Paul’s friends.
“I don’t care what other people think,” Paul said. “My big thing is to keep our family together. You should never say never in a relationship.”
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kkyles@tribune.com
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Have you fallen victim to the hex of your ex?
Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson
Lee told People magazine recently that he and ex-wife Anderson are “crazy in love,” perhaps crowning these two the King and Queen of the Redo Relationship. The couple has been married, divorced, reunited and are now dodging rumors that they plan to marry again. Lee told Jay Leno earlier this month there’s no wedding in the works.
Orlando Bloom and Kate Bosworth
Recent reports say that the “Troy” star has only one Helen, and that’s on-again, off-again love Kate Bosworth. The two allegedly broke up in January after a two-year romance to focus on their individual careers. But in March, they were spotted canoodling at Hollywood parties.
No worries, even the rich and famous are guilty of recycling relationships. Here are some on-again, off-again relationships that have played out in the public eye.
Kirsten Dunst and Jake Gyllenhaal
After two years of stone cold commitment, these young lovers announced their split in July 2004. But in recent months, the tabloids have spotted the pair kissing and hugging all over Hollywood.
Leonardo DiCaprio and Gisele Bundchen
This power couple has reportedly been on and off since 1999. The pair announced they were getting married in 2001, but Bundchen allegedly nixed the nuptials and was later spotted with her ex, Brazilian billionaire Joao-Paulo Diniz. But DiCaprio and Bundchen are “on again” as of press time.
