Summer vacation is almost over, so today Uncle Dave has a special back-to-school “pep talk” for you young people, starting with these heartfelt words of encouragement: HA HA HA YOU HAVE TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL AND UNCLE DAVE DOESN’T NEENER NEENER NEENER.
Seriously, young people, I have some important back-to-school advice for you, and I can boil it down to four simple words: “Study Your Mathematics.”
I say this in light of a recent alarming Associated Press story stating that three out of every four high-school students-nearly 50 percent-leave school without an adequate understanding of mathematics. A shocking number of you young people are unable to solve even basic math problems, such as the following:
A customer walks into a fast-food restaurant, orders two hamburgers costing $2 apiece, then hands you a $5 bill. How much change should you give him?
a. $2
b. $3
c. None, because the question doesn’t say you WORK there. You could just take the money and run.
You young people must learn to handle basic mathematical concepts such as this if you hope to ever become a smug and complacent older person such as myself.
I was fortunate enough to receive an excellent mathematical foundation as a member of the Class of 196.5 Billion Years Ago at Pleasantville High School, where I studied math under Mr. Solin, who, in my senior year, attempted to teach us calculus. Although the subject matter was dry, he was able to keep the class’ attention riveted on him from the moment the bell rang until the moment, several minutes later, when a large girls’ gym class walked past the classroom windows, every single day, causing the heads of us male students to rotate 90 mathematical degrees in unison, like elves in a motorized Christmas yard display.
But during those brief periods when we were facing Mr. Solin, we learned many important mathematical concepts that we still use in our professional lives. A good example is the mathematical concept of “9,” which we use almost daily to obtain an outside line on our corporate telephones so that we can order Chinese food, place bets, call 1-900-BOSOMS, and perform all of the other vital employee functions that make our economy what it is today.
You young people deserve to have the same advantages, which is why I was so pleased to note in the Associated Press story that some university professors have received a $6 million federal grant to develop new ways to teach math to high school students. The professors know this will be a challenge. One of them is quoted as saying: “There is a mentality in this country that mathematics is something a few nerds out there do, and if you don’t understand mathematics, it’s OK-you don’t need it.”
So come on, young people! Get in on the action! Work hard in math this year and remember this: If some muscle-bound Neanderthal bullies corner you in the bathroom and call you a “nerd,” you just look them straight in the eye and say, “Oh YEAH? Why don’t you big jerks …. LET GO! HEY! DON’T PUT MY HEAD IN THE TOILET! HEY!” And tell them that goes double for your Uncle Dave.
