I’m beginning to think that relationships are ruined by talking.
Don’t confuse talking with communication. They’re two different things. Talking is unsubstantiated verbiage; communication is a system that involves verbal and non-verbal expression. Words mean nothing; actions always reveal true intentions.
Anytime a friend tells me that his/her significant other is sending mixed signals, I immediately advise that friend to stop believing the words and start watching the actions. Listening is an important part of communication, but in some cases, it’s more effective to observe behavior without verbal interference to figure out if someone can really “walk the walk.”
For example, if I’m dating someone, I might tell him that we’re exclusive. I can talk about our future plans together and express my devotion to our relationship. However, if I refuse to spend time with him, disappear on nights that we have plans and go on dates with other men, I’m communicating a very different message. To stop torturing himself, he would be better off ignoring my words and dumping me immediately because I’m full of crap.
Wouldn’t it be great if we had special remote controls for people? I would be most excited about the mute feature, and I would use it liberally on those who talk out of their butts. Aside from being a more polite way of saying “shut the hell up,” the mute button would be a fabulous tactic to block the babble of problem personalities, such as:
THE PRATTLER: This person goes on and on about everything and nothing, and is most likely to talk him/herself out of a hookup.
THE “I’M GONNA”: The people who chatter incessantly about future plans that never materialize.
THE EMOTER: These folks wax poetic, heartfelt emotion that seems to fall by the wayside five minutes after the end of the conversation.
THE “WE” SPEAKER: The first cousin of The Emoter, this person is expert at using the word “we” to imply a strong relationship.
THE LIAR: A Liar’s behavior can include any or all of the above, with a variety of senseless untruths peppered throughout.
When I meet a new guy, early conversation is important–until it takes a nasty turn with no chance of recovery.
I could have used the mute button recently, when I was walking down Division Street toward Walgreens on Dearborn, on a mission to find snacks to sneak into a movie at the Esquire. I passed a tall, handsome man who stopped to introduce himself, which impressed me.
With 25 minutes of showtime, I had no time to stop for chit-chat, so he walked with me to the store. After asking my name, this Prattler–let’s just call him Ass Talker–immediately started an unconvincing, yet well-scripted diatribe of what a “good man” he is.
Note: activate mute button here.
A.T., who’s from one of the Caribbean islands, began criticizing Chicago men. According to A.T., homegrown Chicagoans don’t know how to treat women, nor do they know how to be real men. I silently wondered if his definition of a “real man” is a person with a severe case of diarrhea of the mouth.
As I perused the candy aisle, A.T. bragged about his job (retail sales), his cut-throat ambition (competing for commission) and, ironically, his eloquence with the ladies (boring the living hell out of them). In the checkout line 20 minutes later, when he was finally short of breath, he allowed me to speak. A.T. made me program his number into my cell and promise to call him. I never did, in fear that I would run out of my unlimited nights and weekend minutes.
It’s too bad. If he had cut his self-aggrandizing conversation by 80 percent, and taken the initiative to make future plans, this would be a very different article. Maybe he would have gotten some action instead of the word “goodbye.”
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ritaredeye@tribune.com
