Last week: 9-3-1 Season: 27-43-2
Open: Arizona, Philadelphia, Green Bay, San Francisco
Let’s pause here and all look at my record last week.
No, not the season tally–I’ll address that later. Look at last week’s record, drink it in, let it swirl around.
My goodness, that tastes good. What was my secret?
Eight glasses of water a day, a good night’s sleep, and luck.
I mean, look at the season record. I have to go 9-3-1 a few more times just to get my watch back from the pawn shop.
Yes, I wear a watch. At least I used to.
In any case, we have some very big games this weekend, so while you’re all amped up for the White Sox’s Game 5 on Sunday, please pace yourselves and be sure to get at least one college game in Saturday and two NFL games Sunday.
What do you mean you don’t have the time? Make the time.
And here now, the picks.
Minnesota (1-3) at Bears (1-3)
Noon, WFLD-Ch. 32
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW
It’s been painful watching Bears players criticize their performance, and then criticize one another’s criticism of their performance.
And yet I respect the honesty. By getting outscored 67-18 in two road losses, the Vikings are showing their problems lie well beyond sketchy boat trips. If the Bears can put a lid on the big plays, we can get back to focusing on the fact that they are the third-best defense in the league (269.8 yards allowed per game).
THE LINE/OVER-UNDER: Bears by 3, 37 1/2
FINAL SHAKE: Bears
MATCHUP
New England (3-2) at Denver (4-1)
3:15 p.m., WBBM-Ch. 2
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW
Your Pats are 22-1 against teams with a winning record since 2003. Don’t you get the sense that New England is back on track? It’ll be a late game to doze off to, though.
THE LINE; OVER/UNDER
Broncos by 3, 47
FINAL SHAKE
Pats
MATCHUP
Houston (0-4) at Seattle (3-2)
7:30 p.m., ESPN
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW
If you think the Bears offense sputters, the Texans didn’t convert one third down last week.
Seriously, in all seriousness, let’s trade Houston’s franchise to the CFL for another NHL team.
THE LINE; OVER/UNDER
Seahawks by 91 1/42, 46
FINAL SHAKE
‘Hawks
MATCHUP
Atlanta (3-2) vs. New Orleans (2-3) at San Antonio
Noon
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW
No Deuce McAllister for the Saints and Michael Vick (right) expects to play for the Falcons. Divide that sum by 2, and this is a very easy answer.
THE LINE;OVER/UNDER
Falcons by 5 1/2, 43 1/2
FINAL SHAKE
Falcons
MATCHUP
N.Y. Giants (3-1) at Dallas (3-2)
Noon
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW
The ‘Boys put a whupping on the Eagles, but these Giants are different. For one, they wear blue and have N.Y. accents. Secondly, they’re plus-10 on turnovers.
THE LINE;OVER/UNDER
Cowboys
by 3 1/2, 47
FINAL SHAKE
Giants
MATCHUP
Cincinnati (4-1) at Tennessee (2-3)
Noon
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW
Oh, look–it’s America’s new darlings: The Bengals.
But what’s this? Carson Palmer and Chad Johnson (left) are bickering, but that adds spice to the relationship.
THE LINE; OVER/UNDER
Bengals by 3, 45
FINAL SHAKE
Bengals
MATCHUP
Carolina (3-2) at Detroit (2-2)
Noon
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW
I will not be fooled by these dandy Lions, with their 28th-ranked offense and their 19th-ranked defense and their Ford Field. Panthers can score and–more importantly–they look good doing it.
THE LINE; OVER/UNDER
Lions by 1, 41 1/2
FINAL SHAKE
Panthers
MATCHUP
Cleveland (2-2) at Baltimore (1-3)
Noon
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW
Brian Billick’s job is in danger, Romeo
Crennell’s (right) isn’t. Mine? You never know. The Ravens’ defense isn’t what it used to be, but it’s still very good. Braylon Edwards’ infected elbow keeps him out, too. Ewwwww.
THE LINE; OVER/UNDER
Ravens by 5 1/2, 34
FINAL SHAKE
Ravens
MATCHUP
N.Y. Jets (2-3) at Buffalo (2-3)
3:15 p.m.
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW
Two underachieving teams from New York, both under .500, and yet neither of them have ever been to Niagara Falls. Folks, do make the time; it’s extraordinary.
THE LINE; OVER/UNDER
Bills by 3, 33
FINAL SHAKE
Bills
MATCHUP
Jacksonville (3-2) at Pittsburgh (3-1)
Noon
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW
Looks like Ben Roethlisberger (left) will play, but the Steelers will need to run more. Jaguars like it when teams run because they’re good at stopping it. Fundamental football, people.
THE LINE; OVER/UNDER
Steelers by 3, 34 1/2
FINAL SHAKE
Jaguars
MATCHUP
Washington (3-1) at Kansas City (2-2)
Noon
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW
Two teams with Native American-related logos; somebody be sure to leave tickets for Kevin Costner. D.C. will put up a fight; K.C. will bring the BBQ sauce.
THE LINE; OVER/UNDER
Chiefs by 6, 43
FINAL SHAKE
‘Skins
MATCHUP
Miami (2-2) at Tampa Bay (4-1)
Noon
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW
It’s an all-Florida battle, just like if the Devil Rays played the Marlins but with far less apathy. Miami’s Ronnie Brown and Tampa Bay’s Carnell Williams played at Auburn together. Awwww.
THE LINE; OVER/UNDER
Bucs by 5 1/2, 34 1/2
FINAL SHAKE
Bucs
MATCHUP
San Diego (2-3) at Oakland (1-3)
3:15 p.m.
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW
Oakland’s LaMont Jordan had a career-high 126 yards last week. Can he do it again? No. That’s why they call it a career-high. Chargers swept ’em last year.
THE LINE; OVER/UNDER
Chargers by 2, 50 1/2
FINAL SHAKE
Bolts
Monday’s game
MATCHUP
St. Louis (2-3) at Indianapolis (5-0)
8 p.m., WLS-Ch. 7
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW
Sure the Rams can score (25.6 points a game) and Marc Bulger (right) is the NFL’s top passer. But the Colts sack QBs like I eat french fries.
That is, they do it very easily and very quickly.
THE LINE; OVER/UNDER
Colts by 13, 51
FINAL SHAKE
Colts
