Dear Abby: Last week, my 1-year-old son, “Tommy,” crawled up on the couch where his father, “Monte,” was resting. Tommy smacked his daddy in the face with a toy. Monte slapped Tommy back so hard he left a welt on his face. I grabbed the baby and said some things I perhaps shouldn’t have. Monte got so mad at me that he threw me on the couch and began choking me.
A neighbor called Monte’s father, “Lyle,” to the house. Lyle asked what had happened. When I told him Monte had slapped Tommy in the face, Monte called me a liar. Then Lyle turned around and came after me, cornering me. He got in my face and screamed that I was at fault for Monte’s losing his temper. He said it was because of my “nagging.” I was cornered three times.
Monte just stood there and watched me holding the baby and getting screamed at. He didn’t lift a finger to defend me. I am so hurt. Monte said his dad was trying to prove a point — that a person can only take so much. Please help me. I am desperate for guidance.
— Shaking in Ohio
Dear Shaking: To slap a 1-year-old baby and leave a welt on his face is child abuse. Throwing you on a couch and trying to choke you is spousal abuse. What his father did is verbal abuse. Monte is standing behind his father because he thinks this is normal behavior. Unless you take your baby and get out of there, your son will turn out just like his father and grandfather. So leave now, before you or your baby are physically, as well as emotionally, damaged.
If you are afraid to leave, call the National Domestic Violence toll-free hotline: 800-799-7233. Counselors there will help you formulate an escape plan. (For people with hearing impairments, the TTY number to dial is 800-787- 3224.)
Dear Abby: I have been married to “Grant” for eight years. Soon after our marriage, I learned he is a compulsive liar. He said he was divorced from his second wife when we met. They weren’t divorced until one month before our wedding, something I discovered only when I found his divorce papers.
Grant’s first wife swears they are still married. He says they’re divorced but he lost the divorce papers.
A year ago, I found out my husband was never in the Marines as he had said, and after eight years of believing he had a bachelor’s degree in business, I just learned he dropped out of college.
I have just about had it with his constant lying. He has also cheated on me. I want a divorce, but I don’t want to look like a failure to my family and friends. Grant is begging me to stay. He promises he’ll change, but I have heard that all before. What should I do?
— Wife in Crisis
Dear Wife: Consult a lawyer. Tell him or her exactly what you have told me. Because your husband misrepresented himself before your marriage, you may have grounds for an annulment. Your attorney should also check to see if there is any record of his first divorce, because if there isn’t one, you and Grant are not married, which solves your problem. Cross your fingers.
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Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
