TODAY’S QUESTIONS
JIMMY GREENFIELD
PHIL THOMPSON
LEO EBERSOLE
WHIZZER
BAG BOY
TOPIC 1: What was missing from Sunday’s Bears game?
Jello shots after the game with LSU cheerleaders.
For the rest of the country, interest.
The LSU marching band and about 50,000 fans.
Dunno, I skipped it. I could get killed watching a football game like that.
Didn’t see any brown “Aints” bags, and that’s so very sad. BEARS RULE!
TOPIC 2: Bulls won one in OT, lost another on a late shot. What does this portend?
Portend, eh. Looks like somebody found his thesaurus! In any event, long year for the Bulls.
“Portend?” If that’s French for “really long season,” then you’ve hit it.
This clearly is a playoff team, one that just might end Bag Boy’s life.
Six Flags renames one of its roller coasters “The Skiles the Limit.”
I’m committed to a “quiet place in the country” sometime around the All-Star break.
TOPIC 3: Any ideas about what’s next for Terrell Owens?
Just get him to the Raiders already and stop asking me about that guy!
At his next news conference his microphone will be covered with bees. Bees with hangovers.
He lights the Canadian Football League on fire, one meter at a time.
He makes a guest appearance here, and four of us don’t show up.
It’s been a while since he asked for more money, so I’ll say “contract demand.”
TOPIC 4: Blackhawks lost 9-1, Illinois lost 40-2. Invent a word that best describes these kinds of blowouts.
“Yawneyzookisasters.”
To pronounce such a distasteful word, I must pour melted earwax down my assistant Leo’s throat.
“Foreseeable.”
Clearly both teams were “badonkadonked.”
For these teams?
I’ll go with “typicalness.”
TOPIC 5: Has anyone here ever killed a deer with his bare hands?
I’m a vegetarian.
I only kill deer with hand grenades.
I would like to kill the creator of “Yes, Dear” with my bare hands.
Really, what’s your deal CBS?
No, but a lot of gamblers went home happy when one knocked me out in the fourth.
No, but I once shook hands with a very dear bear.
Good fella.
Not yet. But some day.
Some day, indeed (fade to black, roll credits).
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