Nobody here is making Nomar Garciaparra money. Then again, nobody here has torn a groin getting up from his desk. E-mail us at redeyesports@tribune.com.
TOPIC 1: HOW WILL KYLE ORTON SPEND HIS REMAINING SUNDAYS THIS SEASON?
Jimmy Greenfield: Picking lint out of his beard.
Phillip Thompson: Preparing for the World Beard & Moustache Championships. I recommend the Amish Barn-raiser.
Leo Ebersole: He will begin with a trip to Starbucks and take four sacks in the process.
Whizzer: Penning his rookie-season memoirs, “The Green Kyle.”
Bag Boy: Signing stuff fans toss to him from the stands, then overthrowing the stuff back at them.
TOPIC 2: WHY DO WE CARE ABOUT PRO BOWL VOTING WHEN THE BEARS ARE GOOD, BUT DON’T WHEN THEY’RE NOT?
Jimmy Greenfield: We care whether they’re good or not. It’s just … what was the question?
Phillip Thompson: Like most Americans, they’re just accustomed to voting every four years.
Leo Ebersole: It’s natural to jump on the bandwagon, which is why I launched carsonpalmerin2008.com.
Whizzer: Same way I don’t care about the Oscars unless Bill Murray is nominated.
Bag Boy: Fans can be so damn fickle. By the way, I totally knew these guys could go 10-4.
TOPIC 3: SUGGEST HOW SOX CATCHER A.J. PIERZYNSKI CAN CELEBRATE HIS NEW THREE-YEAR DEAL.
Jimmy Greenfield: Pretend it’s actually a six-year deal and just watch it come true.
Phillip Thompson: He shows the Giants and Twins how he has matured by rubbing it in their faces. But politely.
Leo Ebersole: By releasing that Journey singer, hijacking Pink Floyd and making them sing “Money” on cue.
Whizzer: Surprise makeover for Steve Perry. First step: Lose the hairpiece.
Bag Boy: Win another World Series, rinse, and repeat.
TOPIC 4: WHY WOULD ANYONE BUY THE BAT USED FOR THE LAST OUT IN THE ’05 WORLD SERIES?
Jimmy Greenfield: It lets people feel closer to their heroes. Hey Phil, stop crowding me.
Phillip Thompson: That has to be the world’s luckiest piece of lumber, next to Kevin Federline.
Leo Ebersole: Because bidding on Orlando Palmeiro’s jock strap seemed a little forward.
Whizzer: What the hell was Houston going to do with it? Put it in a box and blow it up?
Bag Boy: A better question: “Why WOULDN’T anyone?”
TOPIC 5: WHAT’S RON ARTEST’S NEXT MOVE?
Jimmy Greenfield: He will demand to be spaded.
Phillip Thompson: He devotes his energy to the record business, or in his case, going-out-of-business business.
Leo Ebersole: Agent goes ballistic. Another season-long suspension. Trip to the Dells with Terrell Owens.
Whizzer: A tearful appearance on “Oprah.” Look, it can only help.
Bag Boy: Buys himself a nice Christmas gift. Calls it “gaudy.” Returns it. Pretends nothing happened.
