Just moments after exchanging Christmas gifts, Jim Meade and the woman he was dating broke off their relationship.
Meade, who said he had been thinking about ending it for a couple of weeks, hadn’t planned to break up at that moment. But after unwrapping their gifts–a Star Wars Trivial Pursuit game for him, a book of plays for her–Meade blurted out that he couldn’t date her anymore.
Six years later, Meade, now 30 and a paralegal and musician in Chicago, still remembers her response–“It’s right before Christmas!”
The holiday breakup: the flip side to kissing under the mistletoe, the counterpoint to couples walking mitten-and-mitten through the snow. At the same time songs and TV commercials hype the bliss of holiday romance, some couples call it quits right before the big celebrations.
Relationship experts say the holidays are a prime time for breakups. They say breakups are common because the holidays are a high-pressure season for relationships. Expectations of meeting families, buying gifts and making New Year’s Eve plans can put a lot of stress on weak pairings.
The holidays are a turning point, said Lynn Harris, author of “Breakup Girl to the Rescue.” It’s a time when people ask themselves, “Can I look this person in the eye under the mistletoe? Can I go home and meet this person’s family on Christmas Eve?”
If the answer is no, that might speed up a breakup that was going to happen anyway, she said.
“It forces couples to think who they want to spend Christmas and New Year’s with,” said Barbie Adler, a Chicago-based matchmaker who runs Selective Search. “Do you want to spend special times with this person?”
For Meade, who split after the gift exchange, the signs that he didn’t want to continue the relationship had been there for weeks. The woman he was dating had invited him to her family’s home in Michigan to help trim their Christmas tree, an offer he considered too serious for what he felt was a casual relationship.
He was uncomfortable at the tree trimming, he remembers, and didn’t think he’d be able to fake it if he was invited over again for Christmas.
“I kept thinking, it’s going to be worse if I hold off,” Meade said. “If I had held on a few weeks, it would have been torture for both of us.”
Professional advice givers agree that while the holiday breakup can be harsh, it’s better than faking your feelings through Christmas, Hanukkah or New Year’s.
Carolyn Hax, who writes the syndicated advice column “Tell Me About It,” said the best course of action depends on when the urge to break up strikes.
If it’s two weeks before Christmas, faking it can be more upsetting than being dumped before a holiday. But if the urge strikes on Christmas Eve, it might be better to wait two days.
Author Harris said it’s not worth it to stick around for the gift. If you break up soon after the holiday, it’s likely the other person will figure out that you were just going through the motions with them during the holidays.
“The worst thing you can do is artificially draw out a relationship that’s past its expiration date,” Harris said. “The best thing you can do is to free someone up to meet ‘The One.’ “
K.C. Bright, a 24-year-old from Chicago, can still recall the sting of a holiday breakup during college. She had been dating a guy who had dropped loads of hints that he wanted her to meet his family, then suddenly stopped calling. Finding out things were over right before Christmas was hard– “It was the worst Christmas ever,” Bright said–but in hindsight she’s glad she knew where she stood before she went home for the holiday break.
“The way I am, I like to know, ‘Do you like me, yes or no?’ ” Bright said. “If I had not talked to him, I would have spent all Christmas wondering what was going on.”
Still, the holiday breakup is one that’s remembered–even for the one doing the deed.
Meade has a tangible reminder that he dumped someone two days before Christmas. Though he has moved several times since the breakup, he’s still got the Star Wars Trivial Pursuit game he received from his ex. It sits in his closet, unused, in its original plastic wrap.
“I just feel like I can’t really open this and enjoy it as I’d want to,” Meade said.
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Is there a good time to end a relationship?
The Tribune’s Amy Dickinson, who writes the syndicated advice column “Ask Amy,” said the most important thing is for the person doing the breaking up to be sensitive and respectful to the other. That means being honest about your feelings.
“I don’t think it’s right to let someone else celebrate the holidays and perhaps give you a nice gift when you know you’ll be breaking up immediately after,” Dickinson said. “As tacky as breaking up before Christmas seems, breaking up just after sounds worse.
“And once Christmas is over, Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, and we know what a romantic nightmare that holiday can be.”
[ K.M. ]Listen to Breakup Girl
Lynn Harris, the author of “Breakup Girl to the Rescue,” says sticking around just to get a holiday gift is a bad idea.
“The worst thing you can do is artificially draw out a relationship that’s past its expiration date,” Harris says. “The best thing you can do is to free someone up to meet ‘The One.’ “
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kmasterson@tribune.com
