As 2005 winds down, RedEye reader Angelo Cross takes his place in history. Think you can hack it in 2006? All you need is love … and then you need to e-mail us at redeyesports@tribune.com.
TOPIC 1: IT’S THE HOLIDAY SEASON. HOW WOULD A BEARS FAN CHEER UP A PACKERS FAN?
Jimmy Greenfield: Point out to the Packers fan how the 49ers’ rebuilding plan is going.
Phillip Thompson: Know the saying, “All I want for Xmas is my two front teeth?” Well, buy them a pair.
Whizzer: Quietly spread the rumor that the Packers are moving to Schaumburg.
Evil Super Computer: Access their brains, plug into their hard drives and wipe those things clean.
Angelo Cross: Tell ’em the losing season was worth it. Then give them a Reggie Bush trading card.
TOPIC 2: WHY IS THE NEXT SUPER BOWL BEING PLAYED IN DETROIT?
Jimmy Greenfield: To make it harder for Mike Tice to scalp his tickets.
Phillip Thompson: They’ll save thousands in fireworks from the gunplay outside the stadium.
Whizzer: Grand Rapids was booked for a cat show. The Super Bowl should be in warm cities–period.
Evil Super Computer: Soon all Super Bowls will be played INSIDE computers. Wrap your little brains around that!
Angelo Cross: To show the fans in Detroit that a Super Bowl can be brought to the city.
TOPIC 3: WHAT WOULD CONVINCE A BASEBALL PLAYER TO TAKE THE VETERINARY STEROID BOLDENONE?
Jimmy Greenfield: It’s essential for any ballplayer to have a healthy set of hind legs.
Phillip Thompson: Matt Lawton was trying to be as strong as a horse but wound up being an ass.
Whizzer: He had his eye on the wrong Triple Crown.
Evil Super Computer: He tried eating super chips but gagged on the silicone, but you know folks ….
Angelo Cross: Boldenone gives you the testicular fortitude to stand up and lie to Congress.
TOPIC 4: ESPN’S WOODY PAIGE. EXPLAIN THE PHENOMENON, PLEASE.
Jimmy Greenfield: ESPN has made heroes out of far lesser men. Stuart Scott, come on down!
Phillip Thompson: Who among us doesn’t eat dog food on national TV every now and then?
Whizzer: Hint: If college kids name a drinking game after you, you’re not cool. You’re a dork.
Evil Super Computer: He’s a robot programmed to be outrageous. The hair? I cannot explain the hair.
Angelo Cross: A strung-out version of Terry Bradshaw, but without the safety net of Jimmy, Howie and J.B.
TOPIC 5: THE BIGGEST SPORTS STORY OF 2006 WILL NOT BE …
Jimmy Greenfield: “Greenfield stripped of NL MVP after testing positive for hippo tranquilizers”
Phillip Thompson: Bag Boy moving out of his parent’s basement. (Psst! Because it will never happen).
Whizzer: Cubs win World Series. That’ll be the No. 2 story, ranked after “Hell froze over.”
Evil Super Computer: Leo Ebersole beats Super Computer in Madden ’07. BOW TO ME, LEO!
Angelo Cross: The NHL. Maybe TV networks will show handball broadcasts instead.
