Well, we all made it safely to 2006 and … oh, my goodness, where’s Leo? Looks like somebody forgot to take his New Year’s Eve bail money with him again. E-mail redeyesports@tribune.com and on Friday you, too, can make fun of Leo.
TOPIC 1: Who is the Bears’ MVP?
Jimmy Greenfield: Thomas Jones. Defense is great, but you can lose any one player. Jones goes, so do the Bears.
Phil Thompson: Most Valuable Player: Thomas Jones. Most Valuable Playa: Bishop Don “Magic” Juan.
Evil Super Computer: Director of Video Services Dean Pope. His only flaw? Not evil.
Whizzer: Olin Kreutz. Beat up the opponent and his own teammate. That’s full service.
Bag Boy: Mr. Brian Urlacher. Even though he still won’t return my calls.
TOPIC 2: How would you inform Vikings head coach Mike Tice that he’s been fired?
Greenfield: Pull him aside and tell him he’s going for a boat ride. Just for fun, call him Fredo.
Thompson: I’d tell him I have some cruise tickets for him to scalp, then slip him the pink slip.
Evil Super Computer: With my copyrighted computer message: “Hello (NFL coach name), you’re fired.”
Whizzer: “Mike, please come in. Shut the door. Sit down. Now stand up. And leave forever.”
Bag Boy: Don’t tell him. Just hire a new coach and see if he notices.
TOPIC 3: Right now sportswriters pick Baseball Hall of Famers. What’s a better way it can be done?
Greenfield: Keep sportswriters, but let all living Hall of Famers vote. And just a select few of the dead ones.
Thompson: Let the current players punch ballots with their hypodermic needles.
Evil Super Computer: Let George Will do it. He’s part human, part evil super computer.
Whizzer: I’ll do it. It’s what I do best, and I tell you it’s irrelevant that Andre Dawson’s my nephew.
Bag Boy: Bring in a coalition of Sunnis, Shiites and Kurds. But a real coalition, damn it!
TOPIC 4: Have you given up on the Bulls?
Greenfield: They have no center, people. There was never any hope to cling to.
Thompson: Let’s put it this way: Their odds of surviving couldn’t look worse if they moved to Pamplona.
Evil Super Computer: Not until my main man, Bulls Video Coordinator Greg Sabourin, tells me they’re done.
Whizzer: Never! Well, yeah.
Bag Boy: Where do I sign?
TOPIC 5: What athlete’s phone would you most like to wiretap?
Greenfield: Rafael Palmeiro. Seriously, I really want to know what the deal is with this guy.
Thompson: Barry Bonds. And I’d call it the Whine Line.
Evil Super Computer: I plead the fifth.
Whizzer: Kris Benson’s. I have got to know if Anna’s cheating on me with him.
Bag Boy: Peyton Manning’s, in about four weeks.
