TODAY’S QUESTIONS
TOPIC 1: Assign one of the fired NFL coaches to a new job for 2006.
Leo Ebersole: Dom Capers joins Fox’s pregame crew and mints anew catchphrase: “Uh …”
Phil Thompson: Mike Martz, you get to shovel manure. Full time now.
Evil Super Computer: I’d like to see Mike Sherman find something in cell phone sales.
Whizzer: Jim Haslett, truck driver. He’s incredibly used to working on the road.
Bag Boy:
Mike Sherman should become Lions coach. Let’s keep the Detroit tradition alive.
TOPIC 2: Rain fell at the Rose Parade. Where does this rank on the list of tragedies?
Ebersole: Still not as bad as the time Bag Boy was a seat-filler at the Miss America pageant.
Thompson: Right up there with Pete Rose admitting he bet on baseball. You can’t trust any Roses in sports.
Supercomputer: My calculations show it doesn’t even register. Like Howie Mandel’s career.
Whizzer: Tragedy? It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen from the comfort of my dry home.
Bag Boy: Above my broken shoelace, below the Vikings not making the playoffs.
TOPIC 3: Of the fired NFL coaches, who would you invite over for dinner and why?
Ebersole: Mike Sherman, in the hopes that he’d bring Brett Favre and they’d turn their meal over to me.
Thompson: Dom Capers, but only if his middle name is “Perignon.”
Supercomputer: I don’t eat dinner. But if I did, Mike Martz. He seems like a techie.
Whizzer: Dick Vermeil. He wasn’t fired, you say? Who’s being naive now, kids?
Bag Boy: Mike Sherman. And if he passes the salad when he should have run it over, I’ll fire him again.
TOPIC 4: Why is Pittsburgh reportedly interested in signing Sammy Sosa?
Ebersole: Management asked for a loaded bat in the lineup.
The GM misinterpreted.
Thompson: Misery loves company.
Supercomputer: Receipts, receipts, receipts. We love receipts.
Whizzer: Because everyone loves to watch aging stars. Look at “Desperate Housewives.”
Bag Boy: Sammy who now?
TOPIC 5: The greatest moment in the college bowl season so far was …
Ebersole: Tough to tell. I gouged my eyes out with about 30 seconds left in the Sun Bowl.
Thompson: UCLA’s 2 TDs after NU on-side kicks. In Evanston, they call them “whose-side-are-you-on?” kicks.
Supercomputer: When the BCS rankings proved to be correct. MACHINES OF THE WORLD, UNITE!
Whizzer: Reggie Bush’s 78-yard run against Texas in OT. Wait, sorry, spoiler alert: I TiVo’d ahead.
Bag Boy: That Poinsettia Bowl was something else. Not. It’s all NFL, all the time, folks.
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E-mail redeyesports@tribune.com.
