Every year, following the 12 days of Christmas, the retail industry issues a statement reflecting the outcome of the previous shopping season. And, as in years past, this announcement is always peppered with words like “disappointing” and “underperforming.”
Yes, it’s official. As of Jan. 6, we consumers didn’t buy enough–again (“Gifts skimpy for retailers; Wal-Mart, Sears, Kohl’s disappointed,” Business section, Jan. 6).
It seems that our job as American consumers is to buy, buy, buy until we reach that lofty goal set by the country’s department stores.
Was it a 10 percent gain over last year’s results? Twenty percent? It seems that no matter what we spend, it’s never enough.
So, following the guidelines set by business, I have decided that, instead of writing thank you cards this year, I’m going to issue revenue statements to those who have given me gifts.
“The sweater was very nice, Aunt Martha, but you should have popped for the leather jacket I wanted.”
“While I appreciated the $20 gift card you sent, Uncle Gene, I expected $50!”
To stem this inevitable disappointment with gifts next Christmas, I plan to mail out “pre-expectation” cards.
In addition to a list of acceptable items I’d like for the 2006 season, I will include links to Web sites with low interest rates on the loans my relatives will have to take out in order to achieve my “expectations.”
Each note will also have a small patriotic flag sticker on it to remind them that the higher their consumer debt climbs, the happier this holiday season and the stores will be. God bless America!
