TODAY’S QUESTIONS
TOPIC 1: What’s the best way to rattle a Steelers fan?
Jimmy Greenfield: KLEINBERRRRG! KLEINBERRRRG! KLEINBERRRRG! KLEINBERRRRG! KLEINBERRRRG!
Phil Thompson: Say the name “Neil O’Donnell.” Rosie O’Donnell works too. On anybody.
Leo Ebersole: Creep up on him and yell, “BETTIS FUMBLES! BETTIS FUMBLES!”
Scott Kleinberg: Pre-empt the game for Terry Bradshaw singing “I’m So Lonesome I Could Cry.”
Whizzer: 1) Sit next to him. 2) Discreetly cut the cheese. 3) Blame it on Leo.
TOPIC 2: The Seahawks are owned by a billionaire. Are there any advantages to this?
Greenfield: Pregame meal consists of not one, but two starches.KLEINBERRRRG!
Thompson: Power means more. “Taken to the woodshed” is replaced by “Put on the Oprah couch.”
Ebersole: He can beat postgame traffic by launching the escape pod in his luxury suite.
Kleinberg: The only chance they have to be champs is to buy a win, so I’d say, “Yes.”
Whizzer: If they lose, they buy the Steelers, keep the Lombardi Trophy, and sell the rest to L.A.
TOPIC 3: Better to make the Super Bowl and lose or not make the Super Bowl at all?
Greenfield: Is it better to get with Halle Berry and fail to perform or not get with her at all? KLEINBERRRRG!
Thompson: Tell that to the Buffalo Bills of the 1990s, if you can find any that aren’t in hiding.
Ebersole: I’m sorry, is that a troll doll over there? I can’t work like this.
Kleinberg: It’s not who wins, it’s how you play the game. Did that crap just come from my mouth?
Whizzer: Not make it. Who wants to have anything in common with the Bengals?
TOPIC 4: What would be achieved by putting Tony Kornheiser in the ‘MNF’ booth?
Greenfield: Nothing good. Kleinberg?
Thompson: Why should Dick Vitale be allowed to corner the market on obnoxious bald commentators?
Ebersole: He drowns out the rest of the ESPN crew and instantly justifies the move.
Kleinberg: Peace and harmony.
Whizzer: We’d each owe Dennis Miller a huge apology.
TOPIC 5: Describe one of the many uses for Scott’s ‘Terrible Towel.’
Greenfield: You’re never out of toilet paper. KLEINBERRRRG!
Thompson: It’s a real-life security blanket in Scott’s one-man play “Linus Van Pelt: Deez Peanuts.”
Ebersole: It doubles as a “Terrible Seat Saver.”
Kleinberg: To snap at Phil at 5 p.m. Sunday. And at 5:01, 5:02, 5:03 …
Whizzer: I wear mine around the house. And that’s right, ladies, I wear nothing else.
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