TODAY’S QUESTIONS
TOPIC 1: How should the eight Powerball winners spend their winnings?
Jimmy Greenfield: New wardrobe for Leo, new toupee for Adam and a writing staff for Phil.
Phillip Thompson: Day trading and partying with Ricky Williams. But never utter: “I’ll have what he’s having.”
Leo Ebersole: Buy the Devil Rays. Then, with the remaining $364,999,999, they should start a mutual fund.
Adam Caldarelli: For starters they should get the heck out of Nebraska.
Bag Boy: There’s only one thing to do: Launch a pro curling league.
TOPIC 2: U.S. skier Bode Miller twisted his ankle playing hoops. What’s next?
Jimmy Greenfield: Sasha Cohen breaks her wrist doing shots of Cuervo.
Phillip Thompson: Darko Milicic gets hurt in a ski accident. I say Darko because he, too, sucks at his own sport.
Leo Ebersole: He misses another time trial to catch a matinee with Tara Reid (right).
Adam Caldarelli: That’s nothing a prerace 6-pack can’t handle.
Bag Boy: He fails to medal in basketball too.
TOPIC 3: WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO THE U.S. MEN’S HOCKEY TEAM?
Jimmy Greenfield: Let’s just say they were paid a visit by some men from Sicily.
Phillip Thompson: They had a slow start against Finland, and now they’re Finnished. I … just … kill me!
Leo Ebersole: We just don’t have the resources to compete with Finland and Slovakia.
Adam Caldarelli: Not nearly enough Russians and Canadians on the roster.
Bag Boy: Clearly the blame falls squarely on the shoulders of Shani Davis and Chad Hedrick.
TOPIC 4: NBA TRADE DEADLINE IS 2 P.M. THURSDAY. DEAL SOMEBODY FROM THIS PANEL.
Jimmy Greenfield: Me. (This answer was rewritten on March 28, 2006).
Phillip Thompson: Jimmy for Dr. Phil (right). It’s an even swap in looks, and my plan for an all-Phil panel begins …
Leo Ebersole: Pack your things, Bag Boy. I’ve got a box of Milk Duds headed my way from the Clippers.
Adam Caldarelli: Not sure about the cap implications, but Jimmy and Phil to the Sun-Times for Susanna.
Bag Boy: Leo, Adam, Jimmy and Phil for future draft picks. I need some room so I can put my feet up.
TOPIC 5: ANY FUNCTION YOU WANT ADDED TO THIS FANCY NEW ESPN SPORTS PHONE?
Jimmy Greenfield: The ability to travel through time and rewrite my answer to No. 4.
Phillip Thompson: A mute button that silences Dan Patrick on my phone, on my radio and in the studio in Bristol.
Leo Ebersole: Can Ozzie record my voice mail message? “You’ve reached that [bleep] Leo, you son of a …”
Adam Caldarelli: A Beano Cook (right) ringtone would be nice.
Bag Boy: It already has everything.
That is, everything except for a set of sidewinder missiles.
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