TODAY’S QUESTIONS
TOPIC 1: 1. What’s the first true sign of March Madness?
Jimmy Greenfield: Dick Vitale sheds his skin.
Phillip Thompson: You get a case of “bracket eyes” worse than a Charlie Brown character.
Leo Ebersole: Your house burns down when watching the Sun Belt semis, and no one joins you in blaming the oven.
Adam Caldarelli: You make your fiance convert to Bracketology before there’s any talk of a wedding.
Bag Boy: I tear up my bracket five minutes into the play-in game.
TOPIC 2: How should Paula Abdul respond to Barry Bonds’ imitation of her?
Jimmy Greenfield: Try to get to second base with Simon Cowell.
Phillip Thompson: “Barry, you are precious, magical and your gift of originalization taps my spirit. Amazing.”
Leo Ebersole: By drilling Simon Cowell over the right-field wall and casually trotting around the soundstage.
Adam Caldarelli: Paula Abdul? I thought that was Serena Williams.
Bag Boy: Sign with Tampa Bay and start her own pursuit of Hank Aaron’s home-run record.
TOPIC 3: Should the Sox players haze their rookie radio broadcaster?
Jimmy Greenfield: Absolutely. Because, gee, he has no way to publicly get back at them.
Phillip Thompson: For every single a Sox player hits, Chris Singleton must do a shot–of pickle juice and Red Bull.
Leo Ebersole: Tell him A.J. Pierzynski now wants to go by his middle name, Zyrdnyzczkevitch.
Adam Caldarelli: Isn’t hanging around in the press box with Hawk Harrelson punishment enough?
Bag Boy: I don’t believe in hazing. Now put on this jockstrap. No, I don’t smell any Icy Hot.
TOPIC 4: Why would anyone spend $16 million on a racehorse before it runs one race?
Jimmy Greenfield: Joe Borchard and Corey Patterson, you guys want to handle this question?
Phillip Thompson: They thought they were buying 1,000 pounds of a different “horse.” Lesson: Don’t ride the white pony.
Leo Ebersole: Somebody needed to sign the horse before the Knicks found out about it.
Adam Caldarelli: No one said a prerequisite to wealth was intelligence.
Bag Boy: Maybe it’s a talking racehorse. Then $16 mil’ seems cheap, eh, smart guy?
TOPIC 5: How can the NCAA help schools boost their athletes’ academic performances?
Jimmy Greenfield: Let them offer “ESPN Information Management” as a major.
Phillip Thompson: What’s the problem with 99 teams being penalized? I thought 99 out of 100 was an “A.”
Leo Ebersole: Easy: Abolish school.
Adam Caldarelli: Take a page out of Jim Tressel’s book: You get an A, you get a free car.
Bag Boy: Factor the combined GPA from each school’s entire athletic program into the BCS rankings.
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