1. The mumble returns
Ozzy Osbourne told a reporter he’s ready to make a new record. Unfortunately, the reporter thinks he shredded and baked a two-decker.
2. Gold, solid gold
Another “Bachelor” couple broke up. Look, ABC, it’s time to take the show in a new direction. My proposal: The next bachelor chooses from 25 beautiful singles who have just been dropped into a tank full of jellyfish.
3. Peace keepers?
Fat Joe and Lil Jon will host “Pimp My Ride Intl.” for MTV Europe. This is what’s going to help America’s reputation over there, installing fish tanks in BMWs.
4. Heel!
Who wants to get out of this photo quicker, Tim Allen or the dog?
5. Making music
This summer, Playboy will sponsor its 28th annual jazz festival. In a nod to the Clinton era, it’ll feature plenty of saxophones and soft-core porn.
6. A cut above
Seriously, though, I don’t want to give the impression that I don’t appreciate jazz musicians. These guys are like surgeons with their precision. Which, come to think of it, might confuse some of the Playmates.
7. Mind wipe
What was Donald Trump thinking when he brought up the possibility of dating his daughter? I’d tell you what I was thinking, but it’s hard to recall when you’re vomiting uncontrollably.
8. Hey, it was the ’90s
The testimony in the Enron trial is getting downright dramatic. Yesterday top execs copped to making the public believe Matchbox Twenty was cool.
9. Start digging
The Wayans brothers are getting closer to their goal of building a movie studio in California. My goal of building a bomb shelter just got higher priority.
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LEBERSOLE@TRIBUNE.COM
