TODAY’S QUESTIONS
TOPIC 1: Who could play NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue in the movies?
Jimmy Greenfield: Linda Hunt.
She’s such a chameleon.
Phillip Thompson: David Hasselhoff.
There’s your next Oscar biopic.
Leo Ebersole: It would have to be someone older, who wears glasses.
Meryl Streep, maybe?
Whizzer: Jessica Alba.
What? You want people to come see this picture or not?
Bag Boy: If he’s available, Sam the Eagle from
“The Muppet Show.”
TOPIC 2: How concerned are you about amphetamine use in baseball?
Jimmy Greenfield: Anything to speed up the games.
Phillip Thompson: Is it becoming a problem?
I thought it was strange to schedule quadruple-headers.
Leo Ebersole: Reallynotatall.
WHO ELSE IS THIRSTY?
Whizzer: Holy crap. Look closely at Leo. He’s actually vibrating. It actually … feels kinda good.
Bag Boy: Why are you asking me?
Oh, I have the bag so I’m a dealer now, is that it? You a cop?
TOPIC 3: Let’s give the Bulls’ 7-footer Luke Schenscher a catchy nickname.
Jimmy Greenfield: Princess Buttercup.
Phillip Thompson: Luke the Fluke? Nah.
Schenschership? Yeah, really rolls off the tongue.
Leo Ebersole: The Caucasian Schenschation.
Whizzer: The Schenschernator.
Bag Boy: Disco Stu.
TOPIC 4: What’s the best part of these conference hoops tournaments?
Jimmy Greenfield: The sex is fantastic.
Phillip Thompson: Finally shutting up Mr. “Wait-Til-The-Tourney, Oh-No, We-Crashed-In-The-First-Round,” a.k.a. Leo.
Leo Ebersole: Knowing that, regardless of what happens, Dick Vitale will end up screaming about Duke.
Whizzer: For relaxing times, make it … Bill Raftery time.
Bag Boy: Even the losing teams have a chance at success. Like me. I’m a loser, and I still have hope.
TOPIC 5: Place one new safety restriction on college cheerleading stunts.
Jimmy Greenfield: From now on, all the male cheerleaders have to wear oversized baseball mitts.
Phillip Thompson: No basket-tossing the flyer higher into the air for better cell phone reception.
Leo Ebersole: No more throws.
Phil’s getting a little heavy for that.
Whizzer: Require all cheerleaders to perform in super slow motion.
Bag Boy: Each cheerleader will be equipped with front and side airbags.
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